I am old, 41, Mom of 3 children. I have been suicidal since age 12. Many attempts, some juvenile attention getting tactics, some genuine desire to die. Most recently tried helium, very poor planning on my behalf, did not have regulator valve so obviously no continuous flow of helium. Yeah, I really was THAT stupid! I am impulsive and seldom think things through. I am considering another method, possibly sealing up my crappy, ancient car and purchasing a charcoal grill. I would hope there would be no panic and no backing out, just peaceful sleep. I like the thought of catching the bus with someone else, just a romanticized idea. All 3 of my children are cursed with the same lack of direction and motivation. My oldest son was placed for adoption and we were recently reunited so that was awesome, I am relieved he had a good life and loving parents and stability my other 2 children did not have living with a crazy ***** like me. He has a chance to succeed yet, he is 20. My middle son age 17 is currently in drug treatment for marijuana use, he used pot to medicate himself. He has no ambition to ever work or make any real life for himself. He shall be a miserable failure like me. So sad, but true. My daughter is a lazy, beautiful, dramatic Angel. She looks like a doll but she does not have any skills to be a productive member of society either. I love them all so much. My middle son is a stoner, yes, but he is the sweetest, most loyal guy anyone could ever meet. He is intelligent but a dreamer and lacks any drive to better his situation. He just wants to play video games, watch anime and smoke weed. My daughter wants to be a Princess and never work, ever. I have considered taking them with me but please do not be concerned with their safety, I could NEVER be that much of a selfish *****. I am praying that they will still have some kind of chance to have a decent life after I am gone. I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for 13 years, it was definitely a source of misery for me in the beginning because I felt as if he was just using me. He was unfaithful initially but now I know he needed me as much as I needed him. I have burdened him long enough and I want him to be free from my spending and shopping addiction and my parasitic existence. I drag people down, not intentionally, it is just what I do. I am a Christian, and I believe INNOCENT life should be cherished and protected but I have committed atrocious sins so I deserve whatever I have coming to me. I still think I am going to go to Heaven (yes, obviously I believe in fairy tales!) I am a 41 year old child. I am spoiled, selfish, weak, stupid and now ugly. (I was once very beautiful that is how I was able to manipulate everyone to live the life I wanted to.) All of the best days are behind me and I have accepted that. I hate to think of others suffering as I do and I wish I could take away the pain of everyone else. I do not have an exact date in mind but actually it would be swell not to see yet another pitiful, dreadful year so maybe New Year’s Eve? I will not preach about God to anyone, as His guidance has obviously eluded me, but there is a part of me that still believes, that is the faith I have that I am going to Heaven, I am either an Angel or maybe I am a Witch or Demon, I feel as if I have potential to have powers, I am just unable to access them at this point so I must deliver myself to death to realize the extent of my gifts. Yeah, I am pretty crazy. I have only ever been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and Emotional Intensity Disorder.
3 comments
3 comments
A coworker once told me “God Hates the Sins, Not the Sinners” – I’m a Christian too and that really just hit me and opened up suicide as a realistic option. I just pray for forgiveness and know that God can forgive our sins, even suicide, and let us into Heaven when that time comes.
I am a Christian too and was recently speaking to my sister about how I think that God would forgive someone for suicide, as He knows us and knows our struggles and what led us to be unable to live this life. I think that we just have to ask for forgiveness for what we are about to do, if we decide to do it.
My sister does not think so. She says it’s clear that suicide is a sin and God would not forgive it. I worry that what if she’s right. Eternity in hell? No escaping the afterlife either I bet.
I dont think you are crazy. Our existance is a weird and confusing thing. If you dont mind me asking, how do you feel like you drag people down? Are you being hard on yourself? I often dwell on my past interactions with loved ones to the point of obsession but I try to remind myself that hindsight is 20/20.
I wont preach or try and make you change your mind, but realize your family may have a much better image of you than you have of yourself. My uncle thought he was a worthless loser. He killed himself when I was 15. The irony was that he was my role model. I didnt care that he fuk’d up and became addicted to drugs. I thought he was the funniest and coolest guy, but I dont think he knew that.
I wouldnt be so quick to label your kids, but I have no right to comment. Im just going to say I was a really shitty and lost teenager, but i have turned out alright.
Would you be willing to talk to a profeesional about your thoughts before you got through with them?