Today marks the 6th year my dad has been dead. I was 7 when he killed himself
I don’t know what my dad was like. I struggle to remember his voice. The only good memories I have of him is throwing apples at trains and swimming. But bad memories, I have many. Having to choose between my mom and dad when they had a fight and my mom would leave. Him screaming at the top off his lungs at my mom for being the biggest mistake he had ever made. Him getting arrested for shoving my mom into a wall. Him writing all over the garage all the bad things his family made him go through. Him being in the hospital on suicide watch because he overdoes and tried to hang himself and any other creative way you could kill yourself. Well you succeeded dad. Was it everything u dreamed it would be. Are u happy u took the easy way out of your miserable life?
I still can’t decide if I should be happy, sad, mad or feel nothing at all. At first I was sad like any other  7 year old who tragically lost her dad would be. Then I was confused why mom wouldn’t get out of bed and why I was getting all these looks like I was the homeless guy on a side walk asking for money. Then angry that you ended your life the way you did. Now I might even be happy that you can’t hurt me anymore, or mom or yourself.
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3 comments
I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I want to understand as much as possible.
I have 2 daughters (10 and 9), and I want out of this life. I know if I do die by my own hand I will hurt them deeply, like you have hurt.
But what would you want more, your Dad to be dead or just gone without a trace? Rather he be definitely dead or just gone without a trace?
I hope you can find some peace, it must be so very difficult and I feel desperately for you.
Clearly, your father was in the kind of pain that is well evident here. The question is whether it is possible to resolve the conflict that arises from such a childhood as yours; one that likely parallels the life your father lived. Is it possible that healing occur or is the end written in the stars? Shakespeare suggests the answer:
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”
Andynay… I have thought about this many times. Now that I’m older than 7 and can understand what he was going through, I can see why he did what he did. But that doesn’t excuse it at all. He never even tried to get help. I will say to you, get help!!!!! I don’t miss the “man” my father was. I miss the father figure. The one people always talked about in movies and what I see from the fathers of my friends. As long as you stay stronge for your kids, I promise you they will understand. They can’t understand it now at the ages they are, but in the future they will