So i was talking to someone about depression and their situation they were in. She said there was always hope that she might be able to get out of it. Thats why she carried on because every now and then she would experience something akin to a realization that things will get better. I think most people do. I think that is why most people do not kill themselves. They have these moments in life that might be small but are extremely profound. They have people who rely on them and that they rely on .
I realized i do not have this. clock in , clock out … no friends. .. no one to talk to . just a hunting of the voices in my head. The nightmare that begins every morning . I wake up and i cannot handle this. They call this depression , a mental diesese. There is “something wrong with your brain, here take a pill that will cost most of your months salary that we really dont want to cure you with because we want more of your money”. Here i was thinking that i would take this pill and i would be able to make friends some how. Maybe get a girlfriend and try live somehow. Not get distracted by politics or conspiracy. Instead again .. alone .. a nobody turning into my own worse enemy. This angry person that i do not recognise , blaming everything possible no matter how irrational. 30 years later and it seems like more then enough of a life time and just absolute fucking misery. From everything i have learnt it blows my mind how the people closest to me seem to quite easily and effectively, destroy me.
So here i am living in a very real form of regression , completely and absolutely becoming worse as i feel the faint bit of sanity slowing fading from concious thought. Is it really fair to let someone continue to live like this? I think not.
Only the fittest survive . blessed are those who have no sympathy for others , for their concious will always be clean.
Cant go through with it now though … Holidays man … what a fuck up. I was thinking of kicking it on valentines day. I could really fuck some people up like but .. geez like. maybe a week before or something. You know come to think of it i have never celebrated valentines day with anyone. huh  …
I wish that anyone reading this find everything they are looking for. I hope you all find peace … passion … purpose. And do good to others, go out of your way too, you know … Please dont let those oil companies destroy this planet.
Sayonara Muthafuckers.