Great Site

I have just found this site and already don’t feel so alone , I am 40 years of age and my first thought of suicide occurred  in primary school , iv had several failed attempts , needless to say its been a long haul . Once again I am contemplating taking my own life , and thanks to the internet I am reasonably sure I have found a sure fire way  and possibly some people to discuss my thoughts with . Its always been a lonely position to be in , suicidal that is , and I believe that just makes things worse .

Life has always been hard , cant say I am the worst of person I know , im not the best of  either . From an early age my life has just been surrounded by tragic loss , loss that has continued steadily all the way through , loss for what ever reason I have not been able to deal with . My Mother murdered at 24 years of age my uncle at 26 and it just goes on , born into the wrong family I suppose . Now at 40 after 3 years of fighting in court to have access to see my 3 children with little success I have about given up all hope .

Again know a lot of other people have it harder and often seem to do life reasonably well but for whatever reason I have not , and im just tired of it and want it all just to end . I wish by some divine way I could just give my life away , I often hear of horrific stories  children dying in accidents that just make me sad , if their is a God I can certainly not understand his ways , in many of ways I should have been dead but am not .

I have read a few posts on this site by those that have been to me still very young , if by chance you are reading mine , as contradictory as may seem I encourage you to hold on at least bare minim until you get out of your teens . I wont go on about my life but I will say even the psychiatrists and psychologists I have seen have been amazed how I coped at all . Despite every thing their have been some good times , I at times have taken great enjoyment from my work , had 3 beautiful children and fell in love with a woman that was just everything I could ask for in a person . I an not telling you its going to get better for some it just never seems to , but for others it does , iv seen the best of things happen to those in situations that have just looked hopeless . Take my cousin for example , Father dead at 26 mother a heroin addict and prostitute leaves him at a very early age , made a ward of the state for years before being adopted out , thieving in his teens , jail , addict , about given up on life when he meets his now wife , a young pastor at a local church , they now have 4 children and are verily happily married .