dont even know what to say just drawing a blank its like theres nothing but everything going on in my head. and i cant feel anything anymore no joy no saddness or maybe nothing but saddness. i feel like i cant enjoy anything not food not sex not even getting up during the day. it starts and ends like this. now whenever i think about my past or the people who were in it who arent now. you just learn to accept certain things. never truly understanding love or how it should be. it’s funny almost how many people tell me they love me or care about me i dont feel it. or maybe i just dont want to or maybe i just dont care. you see i think i like pain i think i put my self threw hell to atempt to find happiness some how. i feel like my whole world is my fault. why people hate me why i hate myself. i can’t blame anyone else cus it’s not their fault im sad its my fault cus i feel this way. but ive tried meds cutting boyfriends therapy. nothing absolutley nothing can turn off this switch in my brain that just changed one day. ive atempted suicide 3 times but all failed. i stopped trying because all i would end up doing is being watched 247 in hospital. so today i no longer cut do drugs not even drink anymore. and even now i still wake up from weird dreams where im banging my head or arms against somthing. only to wake with the same dispaired feeling as yesterday. i believe im doomed to be unhappy or feel loved becuase i never truly learned it. to be continued some other day when i feel like explaining a little bit about my self.
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2 comments
Please just dont isolate yourself.
Perhaps your attempts have failed because there is a higher power working in favor of you. It’s not your time yet and it’s not exactly our shot to call when we die. That is something that rests in the hands of God and if you aren’t religious, then think of it as luck. You are lucky to be alive and even if you don’t realize it yet, you will. I know it doesn’t seem like that. When you can’t find joys in anything and attempts from others to reach out to you have failed, I can see where you would feel helpless. Please don’t give up. Don’t stop trying. There are ways to be happy or feel anything for that matter without harming yourself. Perhaps you are just confused and have all this chaos in your head. Try praying, or doing something that you find the least bit enjoyable. Hell, go for a jog, do some yoga. It sounds stupid I know, but trust me it’s the little things that count. As for not being able to feel love, you are human aren’t you? Well ALL humans are capable of emotion. I learned that by dating someone who swore up and down he couldn’t feel love, and with time and patience I ended up being the first person he fell in love with. It really helps to not think about these things too much or too deeply. You’re only making it complicated. Just live. Smile. And keep living.