It’s 0130 when I am writing this, so the first thing that I wanted to share with you is that I have huge problems with sleep, because I worry so much. About every single thing.
i can’t feel happiness in life anymore, the only exception is when I am with my boyfriend. But we are in a long term relationship, so I can’t even see him very often. He is the only person I really trust and feel safe with. He is also the reason why i am still alive – because I would not want him to be sad when I die.
But recently I started thinking that he will be happier without me and it scares me now. I feel like such a loser. Everybody seems to be so happy and capable of enjoying small things in life. I have a good-ish job and stable salary. It’s not much, but it’s enough to cover basic needs. I can afford to travel within the country or do small shopping. They tell me I should appreciate that, and when I think rationally – I do. But deep inside I feel like it’s all bullshit and I am just pretending I am happy And content. They tell me I am succesful at work – but I can’t see or feel it. I certainly don’t feel any satisfaction from it. I think I’m total loser And I should have achieved more than that, ages ago.
My attitude towards life scares away everybody. I don’t trust anyone (to be fair, I have good reasons for that – been lied to and stabbed in the back many times In the past). I only care about my boyfriend, even though I try and be nice and helpful to every person that I meet. But I don’t want to be friends with anyone new, or maybe – I just don’t know how to. People point out all the time that I call myself horrible names and undermine myself and have very low self confidence. It obviously can’t attract anyone. But I’m just trying to warn them from myself. I avoid people these days, I don’t go out, I’m too scared. My life consists of work, thinking about my boyfriend and crying.
i don’t believe in the future. I can’t see any future for myself. I don’t know what do I want to do, and if I even want to do anything. I can’t focus on reading, watching movies, playing games. I’m convinced that everyone will be better off if I die. Only my boyfriend keeps me alive, only for him I’m still trying to push forward. He’s my best friend, always has been, always will be.
but what if he would be better off without me too? I just want him to be happy. Even with someone else.
i work for the emergency service, and sometimes I feel good at work, sometimes I feel like I’ve helped others. Maybe I’m a loser, but I’m not a bad person, I desperately want everybody else to be happy. But I forgot how to make myself happy. I used to enjoy physical exercises, now it’s just a chore. I used to love driving, now I’m terrified when I’m behind the wheel. I used to feel sexy and was flirty. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, and I put way more effort into my image. Every friend tells me I got very attractive – I dress smart, I’m fit and healthy. But when I look at myself I see a corpse. Zombie. that sparkle in my eye is gone.
I just don’t know what do I do here anymore, being alive and pretending life is great. I don’t feel connected to anything and anyone…except of the love of my life. But once this connection is cut, I don’t think I will want to continue.
2 comments
Stress can have a direct effect on sleep. You might want to begin there, adress that, because lack of sleep will thus contribute to depression.
I had normal sleep until my wife cheated the first time, for a month I was asleep all day, awake all night. I barely worked. From then on, it was never normal again, still isnl.
Its great that you have a boyfriend who you can trust, but dont put all your eggs in one basket. Look for things to change your outlook, perhaps a new hobby, or go back to one you enjoyed before.
It does sound like you need some professional help though. I would begin there, please.
Sweetie, you must have insurance, so get some help for your depression. Depression is one thing that can be successfully treated. The sooner you start, the sooner you receive the benefit. Before the holidays is a good time to begin.