I lost faith in myself

I made a lot of mistakes in my past and now I can’t seem to reconcile with them. I’m swimming in debt, I can’t finish what I started, and my own family thinks that I’m an irresponsible mess-up. I tried. I’m a nice guy and I had everything going for me. But when I was a teenager I had to come out as gay and while it worked out in the end, the scars of hiding the secret so long took it’s toll on the person I was supposed to be. I almost failed out of high school and I barely passed through college. My credit score is so terrible that it’s hard for me to start again. Tonight I had a fight with my brother (who I live with and pay equal rent) and he basically told me that I’m a mess. I have a great job and I try to do what I can to stay afloat but I can’t get ahead. That, of course, weights heavily on me, but I always assumed my family would be my biggest allies. The fact that they think I’m a hot mess kills me. I really try. I’ve run out of options. I’m sick to death all the time and I don’t know how to pull ahead.

I’m not a drug addict nor have I committed any crimes, but I just don’t see any light at the end of this tunnel. If my family doesn’t believe in me, who will? It hurt so much for my brother to lay it all out. I thought I was doing well, but I guess I was wrong. It seems that even my family (thought they haven’t told me) worries about my circumstance. I can’t move out because that costs too much money, but I can’t stay here. I’m out of options. It hurts and I don’t know what to do. It seems that just leaving might be the best option for me at this point. I hate this. I wanted better for myself and I should have done better. Why I couldn’t have just pushed past the gay thing and just made it work for me? I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of not being able to do what I need to make myself feel better. I’m tired of being me. I don’t want to play the martyr card because I know people have it way worse than I do, but I have a hunch that not existing will be much easier.

I always told people that depression was silly and that suicide was an easy way out.  But it’s becoming more real for me.  Life isn’t getting easier.  It’s getting worse.  I take one step forward and two steps back everyday and it is too exhausting to comprehend.  Maybe I don’t have the strength to actually off myself but man, I really feel like I could at this moment.  I’m just so tired….