Im Afraid

I feel stupid writing this. I feel as if though all my problems are just exaggerated and foolish, and Im sorry if I come off as ignorant or stupid to you. I kind of am anyways. I dont know. Im sorry. Im writing this while sitting in the living room at my moms house. Im on my laptop listening to FFDP and Red, trying to ward out my moms weird stories and complaints of her day. Im tired. I drank a lot of monster today though, which would account for the crash Im going through right now, i guess. Though my hearts going about 1000 miles an hour, I feel like sleeping. But its more than that. I want to stop being awake. Not just die. I want to wipe myself out of existence. I want to erase the memory of me from everyones mind, I want to leave nothing behind. I dont want people to cry for me if I were to go, because Im simply not worth crying over. Let me explain.

Everything I am, isnt real.

Its always an act.

Not just smiling and happy emotions, but everything. Sometimes I find myself purposely acting flustered or angry about something because I know thats what is expected. Sometimes I cry without knowing why, its like my body is on autopilot.  I just, dont feel.

I feel as if though my entire life Ive always known what was going on around me, or what I was supposed to do.

I took advantage of my age when I was younger, I pretended to be ignorant of certain things, because I knew if people knew that I understood what was happening, I would be forced to ‘get help’.

The most fucked up thing is when I was first told “dont bottle up your emotions inside you”, the first thing I thought was “well now I will.”

What is wrong with me?

Ugh…. Im just… Im so tired of this. Of being such a disappointment. Ive always been good. Always done what I knew my sisters wanted me to do in school. I was built off of expectations. But then I stopped. I tried finding who I was, and I rebuilt myself. But in the process of trying to become better, I lost who I was. Or, who I was supposed to be.

And when I did, I realized, it wasnt REALLY who I was.

So who am I?

Thats the thing

There is no me.

Everything I was

Everything I am

has always been a lie

an illusion

I feel like at one point, I chose to be happy. But it wasnt real. I was always lying, making up stories and forcing myself to believe my own lies. I want to be happy, but, what for?

I dont see purpose in who I am, I feel like I stand for nothing.

I wake up and I force myself to keep breathing, and Im just so tired. All the time. I just want to sleep. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. I think I will soon. Whenever my sister gets here to pick me up, maybe Ill try to sleep in the car, so she wont try to talk about whats ‘wrong with me’ or how I ‘need to get myself help’.

I dont want help you silly girl

I just

want

to go.

the other day she told me suicide is selfish, and stupid, and that its taking the easy way out.

well, what is more selfish

me dying, because I feel absolutely nothing anymore, because I dont find meaning in myself or the world around me

or you, keeping me chained here

to continue to go through extreme pain every. single. day.

just so you dont have to ‘feel bad’ about me not being around anymore?

I dont want words of comfort, I dont want you to feel sorry for me, I dont want anything other than to just…. put this somewhere for people to see. I want to try to explain the things in my head right now, in case Im not in the future.

Above all, I dont want to leave behind blame. This isnt anyones fault. I became this way because of choices I myself made. And no one should feel as if thought theyre responsible.

I just… dont want to be saved anymore.