I’ve never been able to understand why I should feel this way. Why I should feel I have to give so much of myself to others when the only thing I ever get in return is a scathing comment, an angry look, a sullen silence. They act like they are offended when I try to do good for another, and spit upon my offering. At this point, so much of me is gone that I don’t even feel real anymore. I can’t feel anymore. All the things that used to give me joy now stare mockingly back at me. Why have I given myself away like this? Why should I want to make a difference? I used to feel like, if I can’t matter to myself, why not matter to someone else? Is that so wrong? Even now, when I should know better, when I know it’s only going to give me pain, I keep giving, only to earn more scars. Is there something wrong with me? I feel so lost. If I can’t matter to myself, and I can’t matter to someone else… what does that leave me with? What path is there left for me to follow? Am I so damaged now that I can never be who I used to be? I would rather feel the shallow self hatred of earlier years than nothing at all. I used to dream of a time when I could be saved by a single moment of grace. Saved from my petty fears and simmering self-doubt in a single defining moment and become who I always wanted to be.
But I think the one chance of that I ever had at that moment has slipped away. After giving so much of myself, I have left myself with nothing.
I have become nothing.