The first time I tried to kill myself, I was fourteen. It was something I had been considering for three years by then, but it wasn’t planned. I took several bottles of pain killers. I felt dizzy that night, and was sick the next day. Nobody asked questions. When I told my Mom a couple months later, she filtered it out. She’s good at that, making herself ignore or forget the bad things.
Nearly four years passed before I tried again, but this time it was planned. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, pushed him away so he wouldn’t be hurt. I stopped contacting friends. I planned to do it a month after I moved out. I researched. Waited for the right time. The last day, I made sure I had the perfect day with my mother. We watched movies, did our hair, joked, smiled, laughed, got drunk. I wanted her to have good memories. Midnight on Friday I took the sleeping pills and other meds, as planned.
I don’t know what went wrong, only I woke up Sunday morning in the hospital, sobbing my eyes out because it didn’t work. I had spent Saturday hallucinating. They thought I was having a psychotic break, because nobody thought to check for suicide. I was good at hiding all the hurting, but the hurting was there, and I wanted it to end. But they saved me, against my will. Locked me up. Shoved sedatives and antipsychotics in me. They did it “for my own good”.
I got put in therapy, but I slipped out again after only two sessions. I refused anti-depressants. Now I’m waiting for my next chance, and I’m not going to waste it on trying to overdose this time. I’ll make this time count.
I have wanted to kill myself for seven years. In that time, I have voluntarily gone to more than five therapists, taken sleeping pills, done everything that was supposed to help me, everything they wanted. None of it helped me. It’s more than time to give up, let go. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know it’s nobody’s fault. No one person or incident made me this way, not even the combination. I’m just weak, and tired, and I don’t want to hold on, and I don’t want anyone to save me, whether or not they think it’s “for my own good”.
Once I’m gone, my brother and my best friend will look after eachother. My ex has his new girlfriend to lean on. Mom and Dad have eachother. They’ll all be okay.
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6 comments
You make me feel so sad. I cant help but cry. Ive been there…Im there. As in my other posts, obviously I feel that at my age, it’s ok. I may be a hypocrite..and say is you are young, just hang in there. I dont really know anymore. Be good to your mom..it sounds like you are.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make anyone cry. I just… there’s nobody to talk about it with, not without making them sad, without them trying to stop me. And it’ll be a while before I can find a time and place to kill myself that meets my requirements, so I need to talk about it somewhere.
leaflet, whatever you do, keep talking about it. A lot of us are in the same boat, or have had the same feelings in the past. I’m not going to tell you stop. People will try to “help” you, they’ll try to “cure” you, but there’s no point if YOU don’t want to hold on any longer. The only thing I can tell you is this: Don’t be like me. When the time comes, be sure you know what you want, and don’t be afraid.
I’ll gladly listen if you want me to. What’s going on in your life right now? Do you know why you wanted to die the first time? Has anything changed since then? Just some questions to think about, you may take it or leave it. I’ll be here if you need me 🙂
Sweetie…something about your post where I just really get it. And you are right, they will all be ok. The question is you..being ok. I know from the last decade that things did not get better. How old are you? I can tell you overdosing doesnt usually work. I also wound up in the hospital. A couple of times. The one tome I took 25 oxycodone, sominex, benadryl, nyquil, tylenol pm. Im still here, it only puts you thru the aggervation of being hospiltilized and people getting mad at you. If and only if…that’s a huge IF honey…research it. My # and email is there is you need me. With Love.
I completely understand your point of view. The only thing keeping me here has been my children. It’s hard to think about leaving them behind. But I agree with you it is your choice. If you want to talk you can email me whenever you want.