I’ve tried everything!!

There is no way that doesn’t lead to destruction. Even refraining from any action at all, can still result in destruction. Everyone dies, someday. The only way it is possible to eliminate any destructive influence i may ever inadvertently have upon others and my environment, is to surrender my life. If i’m dead, i can’t act upon the environment, and therefore cannot influence anyone or anything in any way that can lead to harm. More importantly: i will not be required to experience arbitrary suffering in futility, due to lacking access to any avenue that could lead to prosperity.

I both do and don’t want to die. I want to live because i see life as inherently valuable, for various reasons… but when factoring into the equation, the circumstances beyond my control, i realize there is no availability of a path to and through a life whose potential for value can be actualized. Unless i can change something that is beyond my control, or unless particular aspects of what is beyond my control, somehow change on their own… then there is naught but suffering, naught but requirement to experience strife and pain and hardship, with no possible reward.

My judgment is the ONLY judgment i can trust, because my mind is the only one i can know and control. I can choose my actions, and i can choose appropriate criteria for my own decisions and perspectives… but i cannot choose that for anyone else, and in my many years of life, i have been shown countless times that i cannot rely on anyone else to make the right choices for me; in fact, i can indeed count on almost everyone else to choose what is wrong for me, and unless i can overpower or override their choices, i am subject to the influence they exert and impose upon both myself and my surroundings.

I’ve been surrounded by “bible thumpers” (which ironically means they endorse it, which seems counter-intuitive to the word “thump”) my whole life. None of what they claim is ever true. They are merely clinging to their programming to creatively interpret the book. They base everything they experience on attempts to contort reality into compatibility with their beliefs, rather than seeing what is actually real, for what it actually is, and allowing themselves to understand the world more clearly.

Since “god” is so apparently illogical, both in the claims of his existence, and the stories telling of his actions, my own judgment seems quite superior. If i can imagine or conceive of something, then whatever “god” should be able to easily understand that, since he’s supposed to be superior. But i see too many contradictions and inconsistencies, and too many events that i could certainly devise ways to prevent from occurring, but this supposedly all-powerful, supposedly all-loving, supposedly all-knowing “god,” allows things to be the wrong ways they are, which causes unnecessary immeasurable suffering in this world.

The story of Job, for example, shows us that this “god,” would sacrifice humans and allow them to suffer horrible experiences, even death, just to win a bet with satan? Just to prove a point? If he’s “all powerful” why not just Will him to understand? Why is it so important that people worship him? Why would an all-powerful being need us tiny insignificant humans’ “worship?” It doesn’t make sense!

But this whole topic is far too complex, and the resistance to contrary information, on the part of believers, is too great. You all don’t seem to understand that the psychological trappings of your beliefs are what render you unable to understand they are false. And in return, you all go around using fear, like terrorists, telling everyone they’re “going to hell” if they don’t subscribe to your preferred brand of dogma. Meanwhile, you all are making things very unpleasant for many people, causing undue distress and pointless conflict. You are actually “bringing evil into the world,” while accusing everyone else of doing that, and then declaring that the only way to avoid the most terrifying notion ever, is to conform to your standards and comply with your directives. It’s absolutely hysterical how you all are so unwilling, perhaps unable, to see it. You want to talk about “won’t receive the light…” Do you see the irony?

Suicidal comes in many forms, for many different reasons. Mine is purely temporal and circumstantial; it’s not an affliction that has cursed me, it is a naturally evolved reaction to my incredibly unfavorable circumstances, and my most reasonable expectations of a miserable future. That miserable future isn’t going to gain me anything just by enduring it for no good reason. So i don’t want to suffer needlessly, and if i can’t make things better, i’d rather just go. I’m still here because i’m trying to find a way to avoid that seemingly necessary sacrifice… but it seems quite implausible that i will ever be able to live a life worth living, or even sufficiently reduce my suffering, in order to justify continuing an unnecessarily tormented life.

So go ahead and call me a “sinner” if that’s what makes you feel right. At least one of us (me) is admitting and acknowledging the problems caused by my very existence. A few people might be sad if i choose death, but they will also be freed from certain burdens linked to my continued and seemingly irrevocably miserable existence. Plus, we all die someday, no matter what we do. Most people’s method of death arises from a combination of their choices. Suicide can’t be any worse than agreeing to live an unfulfilled, un-actualized life. People who just go along with the compulsory squandering of their existence, due to psychological trappings, are no better than anyone who chooses suicide. But i have no reason to be afraid, aside from missing out on my only chance to be alive and live well as a human being, or anything else for that matter. When everything is wrong, i’d rather be nothing at all. And due to the way people are in this world, and the ways the systems work, i don’t see any reasonably justifiable way to expect anything to get better, for me. But i sure see that other people still have a chance.

wow… what a trip!

1) i had never read the lyrics to that song before…

”
My heart is human
My blood is boiling
My brain IBM ”

This is so ‘me.’

2) go to “sing365” lyric page for that song, and check out the totally bizarre comment. LOL…