To whomever cares to read,
I arrived here in America 2 years ago. I’m so glad that my mother allowed for my being able to get here. Life is confusing. It gives you a lot of possibilities but at the same time gives you a lot of bullshit. I’ve dedicated my time studying people and how they behave. There’s something in my brain urging me to go find a high building and fall with my back facing the ground so as to not get anxious and regret my dying. I can imagine the bloody splat and how my the back of my head would probably be so flat. I’m hungry right now too. I should have my last meal before I find myself a building.
This urgency started to rise just today in fact but initiated and fluctuated for 5 years. I love my family so much. Even though my brother has a hard time getting off the computer playing League of Legends and find a job, my sister being in jail for getting caught having a sleepover with a friend who apparently had illegal contraband in her house. She claims she woke up the next day when the police kicked the door down to find that nobody was there except my sister and the contraband. This whole jail thing occurred just last year though and is not a factor of my urgency to suicide since I hated her since I was a child for taking long shitty hours in the bathroom, forcefully shutting down my computer because my keyboard tapping was noisy, and telling me to take care of her child who I initially liked very much — but this child bites my arm for no fucking reason — like mother like son. My brother, at the very least, is not in jail and is whom I used to like so much. But now that I’m in a strange continent and stuck in the most boring, old, irritating state, I no longer have that connection with my brother but it is good news to hear he has a job working for my uncle.
My mother met her lover, now my step-annoying-dad, online. She loves him so much that she lied to him about being healthy. Well she used to be a vegetarian anyway… until I came along. I know how psychological influence works and manipulated her into buying what I want, even forced her to eat what I eat — junk foods, McDonalds, Wendy’s, and all that crap — and so her “lover” saw us buy those crap one time and started being suspicious of me and my mother whenever we both go outside somewhere. It got to a point of stress. I wanted to threaten him (I was this close to getting a knife in the kitchen to stab him) to leave me alone. I never allowed myself to express myself to him one bit because I know that tuning him out will very much turn him to madness. Even now I still ignore him, not because he is not my real father, but rather simply because he adds to my stress of the day. Unfortunately, he adapted to my ignoring him and calmed his tits.
You may think that I’m a dangerous, suicidal, psychopath, but I am not. I have not done any crimes and nor will I ever start any crime at all — perhaps except suicide if you are a religious freak — just in case you start criticizing.
I am currently eating my last delish meal, cooked by my one and only mother who is now an omnivore thanks to me. I’m also listening to a funny binaural beat that produces the tone that I think in my head.
I go to a school that is in the top ten in this county. I love procrastination and I have, still am, and will still suffer the consequences of it. I was doing my whole science project hoping that I would finish it in one hour… I was wrong and I knew that. I know that it is very dumb to suicide for this reason. But this stress hardly contributes to the already-accumulated stress I have acquired in my years. I am starting to realize that I want this death to happen tonight. I no longer want to live to work — or rather more amusingly, work to live. Life no longer has any bargaining chip to offer for this body to want to live.
Thank you so much for creating this website so I could jot down all my negative feelings. I feel better about dying now. Reassured. I will guarantee to mention this website to the afterlife.
A fellow hormonal-but-smart 16-year-old,
Zachary Dieu
P.S.
Don’t feel bad if you’re amused by my story. I won’t see it ever anyway.