me

The first time i tried to kill myself, i was twelve years old. I look back on it, and i think that maybe it was naïve of me to assume that it would be so easy, that i could just try once and end it. But it sure would have saved a lot.
I don’t know how many other times i tried. I don’t doubt it was every night when i got home that i would swallow my special little cocktail, and say my bedtime prayers for death.
And then November 18th, 2012 happened.
I just wanted to say goodbye. I just talked to one person, and they told someone else, and then i had some sort of judicial council surrounding me, and then someone called the police, and then i was hiding under a bed and i just.
That was the scariest moment of my life. They took me to the hospital. They kept me from falling asleep. They shipped me off to a short-term mental hospital. I stayed there twelve days.
I was good. I’ve been so good; i’ve tried so hard. I’ve only tried to end my life once.
But it’s the 10th of December, 2013. I promised myself that i would try today. I’m scared. I am. But i don’t want to do anything else.