I feel like I’m suffocating, collapsing into the ibis of an endless battle against myself. It never stops. It only covers up itself with a fake smile and a forced laugh. Im screaming but no one hears me. I’m going to explode from the hopelessness, loss of joy. How does this get better. I just want a answer to why I feel like I’m going to go crazy.
Am I crazy?Â
I cry myself to sleep some nights saying please don’t let me wake up tomorrow. Let this be the end of it all. The loneliness, the fear, the disappointment. I can’t take it. Should I write the letter that will be my last words. Can I just leave here that easily. I know I would never do it. But part I me just wants to prove to myself I’m strong.Â
Can others see the pain? Do they know I’m suffering an eternal loss? What would they do if I showed it? I can’t go in like this forever, just relapsing into depression. Would the world wonder what if?Â
Why me? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Why can’t I be loved? I just want to feel wanted. Please at least give me that. I have lost hope for recovery. It’s untraceable from this place I’m in. I hope it doesn’t have you move in.Â
Bipolar they call it. The starting line for suicide. We must not finish this deadly race.
Why can’t I cry anymore. Even when she said screw you, I didn’t feel anything. Have I cried all my tears for this life? That’s not fare. How can you finish a long car ride where you get lost and side tracked when your tank started out only half full.  I’m done with this life. But don’t worry. I don’t have the balls to end it… Unfortunatly
3 comments
Wanting to cry and no being able to is tough.
Tell me about it. I haven’t cried for 6 months.
Seems like a stalemate. Why not change your tactics and refuel. Sometimes patience is needed for a great plan to find its place, remember time is a variable in this war of mentality.
I have been unable to cry as well, it has dawned on me that I may have forgotten, but then again it could be that since I’ve joined the military I don’t have the privacy to cry away my problems for at least one night.
Anyways stay strong, I know it feels like insanity living with depression. Read my past stories, I’ve become stronger but I’m still in my shadow’s grasp.