My prayer for extinction

I feel like I’m suffocating, collapsing into the ibis of an endless battle against myself. It never stops. It only covers up itself with a fake smile and a forced laugh. Im screaming but no one hears me. I’m going to explode from the hopelessness, loss of joy.  How does this get better. I just want a answer to why I feel like I’m going to go crazy.
Am I crazy? 
I cry myself to sleep some nights saying please don’t let me wake up tomorrow. Let this be the end of it all.  The loneliness, the fear, the disappointment. I can’t take it.  Should I write the letter that will be my last words.  Can I just leave here that easily. I know I would never do it. But part I me just wants to prove to myself I’m strong. 
Can others see the pain? Do they know I’m suffering an eternal loss? What would they do if I showed it?  I can’t go in like this forever, just relapsing into depression.  Would the world wonder what if? 
Why me? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Why can’t I be loved? I just want to feel wanted. Please at least give me that.  I have lost hope for recovery. It’s untraceable from this place I’m in. I hope it doesn’t have you move in. 
Bipolar they call it. The starting line for suicide.  We must not finish this deadly race.
Why can’t I cry anymore. Even when she said screw you, I didn’t feel anything.  Have I cried all my tears for this life? That’s not fare. How can you finish a long car ride where you get lost and side tracked when your tank started out only half full.   I’m done with this life. But don’t worry. I don’t have the balls to end it… Unfortunatly