Nevermind

I give a fuck if nobody reads this. I just need to write somewhere.

I feel so empty. My life is like a videogame. I act, talk, and do stuff when people is around by inertia. I know what i am supposed to say, supposed to do, supposed to think. If i try, i can imagine where i will exactly be in a few years. It’s like following some weird instructions that don’t make any sense at all.

However, when i am alone, all these feelings of anger and doubts come to me like a giant wave, and i feel breathless. In a bad sense. Literally breathless.

I hate so many things about myself. My stupid habit of checking the phone all the times. It seems like i am waiting for someone to ask me what the fuck i am doing with my life.

Don’t get me wrong, which is easy, as most of the time i don’t even get myself. I am so grateful for all these things i have. My parents, my family, going to school, having a house… i mean, i know it’s what everyone would ask for. But it just feels that’s not for me. Or, i don’t know, maybe it doesn’t have any point to have all these things. Because what means to live? Which is the point of all these? Why i need to get old and happy? Why everybody avoids to admit that life is kind of a crap?

When people tell me to make a wish… i don’t really know what to wish. Someone to love me? I don’t believe in love anymore. At least, the kind of love they are trying to sell us.

Peace in the world? That would be nice. But again, would peace bring also happiness? What make you happy? Or, what makes me happy? I don’t know it. I don’t even know if i am capable of feeling happy, or my smiles are just a fake mask, a powerful resource of camouflage.

As i said, i am empty.

Bye