I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know why it matters so much to me. I just feel lost, and I’m confused about what I should be feeling as opposed to what I am feeling.
I read on Facebook recently, that a girl I used to talk to had killed herself, three months ago. This disturbed me… We had never met, but with the amount that we talked we knew each other pretty well. We both struggled with self harm an not being able to see the whole picture. I began to get better, but she became progressively worse and relied on me more than I could bear.. Our talking became less often, and soon I had to tell her I couldnt do this anymore.. She was devastated. I hurt her more than I ever knew. A few months went by and I never heard from her. Now, I see that she had killed herself, I didn’t read the specifics before I had to scroll down and leave my computer. It hurt too much to read. I had killed her. My disability to support this hurting girl had caused her to off herself, and I don’t know how I should feel about it. I feel immeasurably guilty. What makes me different? How come she came to neglect everyone who loved her, when I’m stuck bearing the heavy burden of life on my back? What’s stopping me from following her to the unknown? Questions like this are haunting me and I need answers. It’s eating me alive.
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2 comments
It’s not your fault, she could have done it if you never had started talking with her if you think about it… she did it because she couldn’t get past what she was fighting against… maybe you could have tried to help her as you say, but that doesn’t assure that you could have saved her… maybe the opposite would have happened (you being dragged down again)… as for what’s stopping you from following her path… i guess it’s the same thing that made you stop talking to her. Just don’t be so hard on yourself, you are not guilty for taking her life, she made that choice herself.
As from what you told us I guess you could have possibly helped her. But does that even matter now? At that moment you didn’t know what the consequences of you actions might be, at least you did not think of them. Everytime you reject someone you hurt them, and you can’t live through your life without rejection. Think about the alternative. You said you had reasons to stop talking to her. Of course every human being is worth saving, but what would that have meant for your life? It is everyone’s own decision whether they give their life to save others.
Now after all even though I don’t know either of you personally I am sure she forgives you. You said you liked each other, she will understand why you did what you did.