Sad

I was having a good day until my husband called freaking out about the bank account.  I take care of the finances and try to involve him, but he always balks.  When he came home I showed him everything including a detailed analysis from mint.  From there it went into him saying I need to get a full time job.  I lost my good marketing job in 2009.  After 4 years of searching I found a part-time hourly job at a crappy little place.  He keeps saying “I know you can do better.”  I try to explain the anxiety and depression that run through me when I think about it.  I get frozen in fear when I recall all of the hundreds of interviews I went on that ended in rejection.  I am working on all of this in therapy.  My last two therapists suggested more than once that I only work part-time b/c the stress of a full time job exacerbates my bipolar.

I want to curl up and die.  I told him I feel that way everyday and he said “You would rather die than get a full time job?”  I said yes and he said that is a problem b/c he needs a partner – someone as ambitious as him.  The more he talked the more I withdrew.  Every time I try to open up or explain things to him he dismisses it.  I will end up looking for a ft job soon just to get him off my back.  We have to go see his family tomorrow and I want to stay home so badly, but I know that will cause way more drama than it is worth.  Instead, I will go and put the fake smile on, most of you out there know what I am referring to.   Now I have a blanket of sadness draped over me.  Thank god for ambien, at least I can go to bed early and not deal with life for a while.