Recently I got out of the hospital. They prescribed me a myriad of pills from an ssri to a metabolite anti-psychotic. I can’t think straight. I can hardly gather my thoughts. I feel so out of order; I feel like I am going to snap. Some of it could be sleep deprivation, but at the same time I just feel so out of control. Feels like my thoughts race everywhere except a logical point. I recently saw my dying grand father, and I found I felt almost nothing. I had no pity looking over an emaciated man’s body who will just die in days.
I feel fortunate for my insurance. I feel happy that I was able to get help. Most of all, I feel petrified that I might have spent those four days wasting my time. I could end up in the same shape as I was when I admitted myself. I don’t feel stable, I just feel numb.
What if it was all a waste of time? If I wait will it work out for the best?
-anthro
4 comments
I’d say if you’re patient and live as healthily as you can, there’s a good chance you’ll be all right.
The only thing is, pills are not all that healthy. As you seem to be finding out.
I really hope that you’re wrong and that this is a turning point for you, but I have felt something similar–wondering if getting help is even worth it, because it never really seems to solve anything. For me, it’s the super highs that never stick around long. I enjoy them, but I know the lowest of lows is coming soon. It makes me feel out of control. I know it’s mostly chemical, but that’s even worse, because I can’t think my way out of it. It’s like waiting to see when I’ll reach the low that will end me all together. I am amazed at how brave you were to get help though. There must be hope somewhere in you! Sending warm thoughts and well wishes, because that’s all I have for you.
Give it time, man. Work through it for a while and see how you feel once you’ve normalized with the meds, and if you still feel like you do now, then talk to your doc about changing things up. There are a lot of things you can change to find a better mental space and you’re not set on just one path. I really hope you feel better soon. I know that shit sucks. 🙁
I felt like this a couple years ago, and it was really tough, but somehow I made it through. I hope you’ll be alright, you seem like a cool guy. (I’ve seen you on chat a few times.)