title nothing else to say.

I have been coming here since October and have have met a wonderful individual who helped me not commit suicide back then.  She is a great person and I hope that she one day will find the person she desires to help her live a wonderful and happy life with..   I wanted to thank her and won’t name her by name to protect her, but you know who you are!

My story is simple and I am going to share for reasons that I don’t even understand.  So to get the history out of the way when I was younger, lets say 16 years old.  I was a star athlete and was playing soccer for my high school team and in one play I went up and had a pair of outdoor metal spikes come down on my knee and it crushed my knee.  Be in young and stupid I didn’t listen to the doctor and within a few days was on the field again.  I was also a person who was experimenting with drugs like some high school kids do.  I was offered some heroin by an individual that I knew and took it.  Needless to say and skipping through a lot of that drama I became addicted and had a four year run on the shit.  I was in and out of rehabs through my teenage years.  I finally quit and was on 2 years of sobriety when I met an incredible female.  Her and I hit it off in a wonderful deep level with a great physical aspect to the relationship.  That physical part lead to a child.  we were married before the child arrived and were doing good.  We had out fights and problems but neither of us ever left one and other.  Skipping ahead 13 years and another child, a son that balanced out our family to an even 1 of each i had an accident that left me with a collapsed lung.  While in the hospital for the collapsed lung I was put on morphine and that sent me down a path that would end the greatest thing that ever happened to me.  So after the hospital, I was still in pain and in the process of having to close down the work I was doing for the past 10 years.  So I turned to the one thing in life I should have never turned to Heroin.  It was the dumbest thing I could have ever done.  so after a year of being on the junk after the hospital and a lot of really intense fights I was served divorce papers.  I personally didn’t know what to do so I went with the flow.  I was stupid and never saw the chances to try and correct things I just went deeper and deeper into the herion.  I lost my house my 2 children and my beautiful wife.  I have to say and take responsibility for my actions and lay blame on me and only me.  My exwife at one point when I was trying to gt sober told me to go shoot up right after I let her know that if I ever did that again it would be the end of me. I blame her for nothing putting a needle in my arm was my bad decision and only mine. I fucked up a the most wonderful family anyone could ask for.  Which leads me here today.  Today I am unable to pay bills support my kids or even talk to my ex because she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me on any level except to better the children

So me being out of a job and my exwife telling me one day that she grew up without a father and knows that it is possible to do so and make it through life just fine without one .  I have decided that I am no longer needed and it is better to just make an exit now rather than fuck up the lives of the people that I love the most in life.  So I sit here in a town house waiting to remove the vent from the heater and the hot water heater and let the carbon monoxide fill  the room and finally bring peace to the hell that has been within me for the past year or so……

I am terrified of leaving my children behind I know they have a loving mother and grandparents a couple of aunts and a great uncle who is my brother to be there for them when needed.

My father came in on me and screwed up what I had going on so now I am going to have to leave where I am and think things through .

I am at a total loss with life and don’t know where this is going to end tonight.