It’s a funny thing, trust. How do you get it? How do you give it?
When something happens to shake the very foundation you’re standing on, how to you learn to trust again? I’m trying to rebuild.
I don’t trust any guy. I don’t trust anybody I’m alone with. I don’t trust doctors, friends, dentists, even my boyfriend sometimes. I don’t know how to do it after what happened. When your best friend commits the ultimate betrayal of your body and mind, where do you go for salvation?
Lately, my dreams have been haunting me. They extrapolate on that one fateful day. I find myself awakening from tortures in doctors offices, needles poking me in all the wrong places. I wake myself up with the start of a scream when the pain caused by my dream-dad becomes too much for my underdeveloped body to handle. I don’t know what’s real anymore, I don’t know what to think.
The simple act of helping a friend carry groceries back to their room makes me wary. Anxious. I have to go in after him, I have to plan my escape, I have to remember how to get out of this place. And I know my sense of direction is terrible so I will probably get lost and he will probably find me and then who knows what he will do to me… My friend, my good friend. But you never know what someone is capable of. It is impossible to read their mind, only their body language. And to me, body language always suggests something of a sinister nature.
And my boyfriend. Once we start, will he be able to stop? If my head decides he’s not actually my boyfriend, but some monster of my dreams, will he be able to hear my silent urgency? So far he has been able to read the noiseless signs I emit when I become trapped in my body. Paralyzed mind.
I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be a statistic. But I’m all of those things and more. I’m everything and nothing, and he made me that way. I give him so much power by letting this rule my daily life, but I don’t have the strength to pretend like I’m a strong woman. I’m a pathetic little girl. I couldn’t fight, I can’t fight. I didn’t. I did nothing. I brought it on myself, and this is my punishment.
It will never be over.