Ungrateful

I am twenty two years old.

I have never been diagnosed with an illness.

My parents were never abusive, and I grew up in a loving home.

But my life always felt insufficient.

I have always seen myself as happy and optimistic, but everything came spiraling down in the past couple of years. More specifically, after I graduated. Nursing was never in my veins, and so I talked to my parents about seeking a career in a different field. My father, who wanted me to be in that white uniform, was heavily dismayed by my decisions. It ripped our relationship apart. I ran away from home, after he cursed me one evening, just right after I finished doing some errands for my brother.

“You have done nothing for this family,” he said. “I am disappointed in you.”

I went home after a few months. It seemed that he already forgot what happened, and we never talked about it again. It also seemed that he already accepted my decision to venture for another career. But I figured that he was only waiting for me to fail, only to prove to me that he was right.

So there we were, hiding beneath a thin veil of understanding and support, which was always threatened to tear open once mistakes were made.

The only light I had in those moments was my ex-girlfriend. We’ve known each other since college, but we only got together after graduation. She never judged my actions. I always felt that she understood me: she was my haven in my already confusing and frustrating world.

I worked so hard in the past year to prove my father wrong; to justify my decisions; and to start building a future for my girlfriend and me.

I began working the night shift, as it is the only position they have for someone of my experience and skill level (I have also moved away from home at this time). My work meant that my girlfriend and I saw less and less of each other. Going to her home or to mine was out of the question because her parents did not know of me, least our relationship.

I also started to take an internship from a media company, where I worked the weekends. This further drove my relationship apart. It was so hard to meet up, and when we did, we only had a couple of hours to spare.

I asked her to try and understand; that after a year — after I have gained enough experience — I will resign from my work and will have a job that will not interfere our lives. She understood, but I didn’t know that her patience was growing thin.

Last November marked my first year at the job. I filed my resignation one month beforehand, and I was very excited to finally make up for lost time. She however surprised me by saying that she had been thinking about our relationship and its future.

She wanted space to think, to which I obliged. Then, after three weeks, she broke up with me through text and did not want to see me. She said that she was happy with the relationship we had, but she wanted us to spend more time. Then she told me that she did not want the kind of relationship we had. I used every single ounce of rationality I had in my system to reason out with her. There I was making solutions, but she was ready to leave me. She said that she was doing it because she loved me. This drove me insane. I was mad, confused, and frustrated — I expressed all of these to her, albeit through text.

“Now I know why you’re not the one for me,” she said. “You’re not strong enough.”

When I talk to my friends, they say that my problems are minute compared to what others are experiencing. “Move on,” they frequently tell me.

What they do not realize though is that I have been reduced to nothing more than a rag doll. People throw me away after they’re finished wasting their time with me and when they see that I’ve no purpose left. This has happened too many times in the past, yet I have failed to understand because I tried to see the good in people.

I am desperately trying to build myself up and to find a job and start over, but I could not do it. I am not motivated. I spend my days locked up in room — in an apartment where I am falling behind on payments. My mom tries to give me money, but I couldn’t take it because I don’t want to be a burden to her.

It’s almost Christmas. I’m alone and I feel that my career is on a dead end even before it has started. If I killed myself right now, it will take days before my body will be discovered.