My eleven year relationship ended 15 months ago and in an effort to find new people to connect with, I joined a social networking site. Â I made friends and had a pretty decent support network for well over a year, but in December I deleted my profile from Google Plus. Â I had been seeing more and more of my friends posting about their happy relationships and the wonderful parts of their lives… and I was starting to hate them for it. Â Watching others enjoy their lives while mine was so miserable seemed to be self-torture. Â My posts were steadily getting darker and darker and fewer in number until I decided that it was time to end it (in more ways than one).
Many times in the last year I’ve considered putting an end to my suffering and I actually had a “plan” to do so in December. Â That is what prompted me to delete my profile on Google Plus when I did. Â I wanted isolate myself so that I didn’t feel so guilty for taking my life. Â People would forget about me and I could slip away unnoticed. Â But I couldn’t just slip away. Â I sent a good-bye message (“Everything ends”) to my circle of friends just before killing my profile. Â In retrospect I see that it was a cry for help, but I really wish I hadn’t sent the message. Â The four sheriff’s deputies who showed up at my office were sent by one of my friends to check on me. Â That really killed my mood and scared me out of going through with my plan.
Pushing people away when I’m feeling bad is my standard operating procedure. Â In addition to my Google Plus profile, I’ve killed three Facebook profiles over the last few years when I was feeling depressed and 2013 was a particularly bad year for me. Â My self-imposed isolation seems to let me focus and resolve things internally although I also think part of it is a need to see who sticks around in spite of my efforts to be alone (to see who really cares about what happens to me).
I’m back on Google Plus again but incognito this time. Â Only a few people know who I really am there and my circle of friends is very small. Â I wonder how long this one will last…
10 comments
I have had a problem with self isolation in the past as well…
But I killed my Facebook profile about six months ago and somehow it has been good for me.
I find that a kind of self-fulfilling profecy. The more you isolate yourself the more alone, the more alone the more depressed, wether we like it or not we are social creatures, we are designed to seek out human company, even if we consciously don’t want it, subconciously we need it, part of the survival instinct. We cut contact then wate to see does anyone notice and we push further and further away untill nobody comes and then we tell ourselves that they don’t care, fogetting it was us that cut that contact not them.the darkness in your mind plays tri ks, and distorts your view of what’s happening. And its incredibly hard sometimes to realise when that’s happening because its telling you what it knows ull believe, mans greatest enemy is himself. Your friends didn’t not care, they just saw you cutting contact, how are they ment to know otherwise? This can last for as long as you want it to last. As long as you remember when you push someone they only hold onto you for so long before letting go
You are right, no man is an island.
But I think Fb takes it to far….
No one needs to know what kind of coffee I had at Starbucks this morning.
And I think that level of interconnectedness causes problems between people very often.
Some things are private. 🙂
I actually found the weeks I was off social networking entirely to be calming. I found a had a lot more free time for other distractions (like World of Warcraft… again…) and I didn’t have the same level of bitterness about the things I’m missing in my life (since they weren’t in my face every day). Out of sight, out of mind I guess.
I agree malifax…
I get where you’re coming from. after breaking up with my gf I’m afraid to go on fb. whenever I see her online I just can’t be there especially since it was a long distance relationship I don’t want anything to do with conectivity anymore. Isolating just seems like the best way to deal with things for now.
I hope you find a reason to live, again, you seem like a nice guy 🙂
I agree about isolation being a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact that was part of my reasoning for doing it. I wanted to see just how deep I could push my depression (like trial by fire). Could I be entirely alone for the holidays and survive? Apparently so. Now I’m rebuilding slowly. Those who accept me back are worth going back to and those who don’t were just filler anyway.
@ravanys: Yeah, social networking with your ex is a real *****. I know. I’m still connected to mine. You’re smart for staying away from it.
I hope I find something to keep me going. Taking it day by day (or hour by hour), my friend. 🙂
🙂 just don’t fall to the trap of drugs my friend, it such an easy way out of this mess, but don’t even start feeling the tempation, that’s my warning to you !
I do have my weak moments I can’t resist to say something to her though, but it’s just my weakness, I wish you the best 🙂
You may have broken up with that person, but at least you got a relationship. I’m 21, never had a relationship despite being considered the pretty and rather smart girl, never kissed, never held hands… 🙁 And now I’m here, planning to die. My only crush didn’t like me back, and despite getting interests from guys back in my teenage years, nothing today… I worked so hard to have good looks, and for what, really? I know plenty of people who are far from being good-looking and they’re still more lucky than me. I don’t get it… I also hate it when people show off with their relationships and stuff so I understand you… They annoy me so much I want to crush them, really. I think I’ll always be a loveless person and end up a cat-lady, so stop complaining about stuff like that because you’ll always find someone who has worse luck in relationships… I’ve had friends that got raped by guys they thought liked her, and how much they were wrong, really… But don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in the same situation as you, isolating myself and stuff… And I still do it, it’s becoming worse. If you’re a good person, you’ll definitely find someone, unlike me. I became bitter with time.