I found this website last night and I tried a few times to write a “my story” or whatever to introduce myself but it never worked. I’m terrible with communication and even I don’t know how I feel most of the time. I’m just going to post whatever I write now
Hello!
My name is Cameron, I live in England and I’m almost 21. 21! That really freaking scares me because I’m supposed to be an adult and I may be physically but mentally I still feel 15. I still have no job (even if I got one I’m sure I’d be fired soon for being too quiet). I still live with my parents even thought all my siblings moved out before my age. I’ve never had friends my whole life, starting from my sheltered childhood because of my overprotective overreligious parents right up to now, several months after my first serious suicide attempt. I got drunk and downed a load of sleeping pills then tied an airtight plastic bag over my head only to wake up 36 hours later with the worst hangover (and a trashed room).
I’ve wanted to die since I was around 12 years old but I was never serious about actually killing myself until last June when the above incident occured. I dream about dying all the time, and wish I had the courage to just throw myself under that train instead of stepping onto it. I hardly ever leave the house anymore, twice a month maximum, and rarely speak to anyone even my family.
I also have a thing called gender dysphoria. I was born male but I wish I was born female. I’ve often thought about transitioning but in my current physical, mental and emotional state I know it would be a disaster for me. I’ve never told anyone about either that or my wish to die.
My dad has normally been fairly understanding. He tries to understand my depression and severe social anxiety. He pushes me to get therapy and see specialists and I admit I have been extremely stubborn and only first went to my doctor five months ago. I just want to be left alone really, sleep and dream then die someday. He threatened to kick me out the other day to “force me to sort my life out”. When he said that it really shocked and upset me. Even if I found a room to rent or something nothing would ever change for me until I run out of money and become homeless or something.
I’m serious about killing myself before the spring comes. I hate summer more than winter; it’s something about the warmth and seeing people enjoying themselves in the sun while I sit at home getting paler. Suffocating. I either want to: kill myself by inhaling helium (I have this almost all set out, just waiting for something to arrive in the mail); jump under a freight train (standing at the station is scary though with all those people); take a mountain walk at night and freeze to death; or jump from a building (idk where to go for this though)
Hmm… I don’t know what else to say right now. I feel like I’m insane or schizo or something. I always wonder if everything is an illusion. Am I in a coma? Dreaming? Is everybody lying to me about something, hiding something big?
If you read all that, thanks for taking the time. I feel I have missed out some details but as I’m pretty poor at communicating my thoughts and feelings.
5 comments
cameron, I have read your post. You don’t sound insane, just very unconfident. I think there would be means to help you, but perhaps that doesn’t need to be medical, just something that would build up your confidence. That is all I will say for now, but will think about it, in case I can come up with any suggestions. By the way, I don’t think killing yourself is a good solution. What if you could become happy – wouldn’t that be a better solution…. all for now, and please take care.
p.s. your father may be too impatient to help you through this, but please forgive him, he is only human after all, and most likely wants the best for you
by the way, avoid medication if at all possible – it is my personal opinion that this ruins lives…!
“I just want to be left alone really, sleep and dream then die someday”
Wow, exactly what I think. However, I’m too coward to commit suicide, so I’ll see a psychologist and try to live despite my desire to die.
Please don’t jump in front of a train or from a building.. Think about others
CameronHatesChristmas, I know now more of your story. I appreciate you writing. That is a great forward step. Don’t compare yourself to your siblings. You are you and that is fine. It takes all kinds to make the world go round and round. Many inventors musicians and scholars were introverts, so there is nothing wrong with that, just don’t let it stand in the way of what you want in life. As far as the gender dysphoria, my personal belief is that we are energy that is occupying a human body. Some of us can be comfortable in our bodies and some can not. So you wished you were a woman, i can understand that, even if that is not one of my challenges( i have many of my own). keep writing