Hi, My name is Christian and im broken, but i cant help but look the opposite. I’m 18 years old and am not entirely happy. I’ve  tossed myself through the past two years of life without any consideration that maybe I’ve been hiding that I am miserable. I really dont know why, I have a good family an incredible girl and enough friends. Why am i so depressed? Am i just bored? Am i really that shallow? I can almost pinpoint when life hit and the façade that my youthful mind had created  fell through. It was after i started using drugs, i was like eleven or twelve and my brain shifted. I stopped thinking about kid stuff like toys, my mom, Disney channel. I grew up in like a half year, i dropped my nerdy life and picked up the life of a user. I didn’t start slow either, i went from using just pot to being open to almost anything in a year or so. then another year or two passed and I was open to everything. I was lucky that my mind shifted again when i was 16 when i was on way to many psychedelics. during that trip my thought process changed, My thinking went from here and now to Then and later and I’ve stayed. I in almost one day wentt from that person that ingested anything without a second thought to a person that cared about what im taking. Since then I’ve developed anxiety out the ass and an eating disorder. but what I’m worried about is my brain I still use, not close to as much as before just pot and the occasional hallucinogen but I lived my entire teen-aged life high as fuck. its really all I’ve grown to know, I missed a lot of normal life lessons, but that’s not the real problem. I live in darker world that others, I dont know if its just from the drugs but Im so stoic. its like when i was using life was simple, no worries just my fix. it bothers me that that’s where i first found happiness, Now i cant even take on my old hobbies to make myself happy and my drugs lifestyle made my family fed up with me they still love me but they dont try to take care of  me anymore im no longer sheltered. I wish i could rewind and be a kid again so i could teeter off into adult hood not teeter off of drugs while trying to be and adult. its like I’m on antidepressants all the time now. I’m not depressed, I’m not happy, i’m emotionless, but i produce a different product for people to see. Im that guy that always looks happy im that guy that always has energy im that guy that nobody worries about because im seemingly stable minded. Whats wrong with me? IT seems to be the only thing that musters up real emotion in my heart. i hope im just confused because i don’t want to live a full life if im going to be like this. I used to be such a good person.
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Welcome to the site, Christian. Your questions, given your past, are well-founded. Have you read anything about neuroplasticity and the brain’s ability to heal/ reroute itself when necessary?
I have i actually am planning on majoring in psychology, thats one of the reasons ive been worrying about myself ive learned alot about the brain, im so empty and i really dont know how that fixes itself, im patent but i dont want to stay like this, ive been off of hard drugs and away from the overly self destructive lifestyle for almost two years and my emptiness resides, i dont know why, im content with the person i am around people but i hate the person i am in my head
Dear Stanger,
Welcome my brave friend. You are a good person. I do not use drugs so i can say with conviction that using drugs does NOT qualify you in the bad person category. Let me also say that you are and were on a hard road, you made decisions and lived the results of those decisions. Now your are taking steps to change the course of your life through actions based on the past. That is amazing! I was almost 30 before i answered my wake up call. That shows great strength by you. Don’t worry about being hard on yourself over the past, you needed those experiences to exercise your mind. You just started with a marathon instead of training for a 5k. If you ever need to someone, there are many great people here to offer their opinions that are based on hard fought battles.
You know, Christian, I somewhere earlier in life, I had the first of what you describe above. I called it a complete paradigm shift. Everything I knew was gone. The God I had believed in was gone (he didn’t desert me, I just accepted he’s not real), the career I fought for was good, but suddenly didn’t meet my new construct of the world around me. It was much like you describe. I don’t think it means you’re shallow at ALL. You really are casting aside your childhood and undergoing a major transition to adulthood. MANY people seem OK to those around them. As evidenced by your own feelings, though, many of them are not OK either.
When I was younger, I thought that I had come through that change – figured out that its the transition from childhood to adulthood, something everyone experiences in some form. Its that point where the old stories don’t work and YOU choose the new stories. Since then, I have come to see that a person can face these shifts multiple times throughout their lives. It pays to know if you are sensitive to such changes so that you can be aware enough to know how to handle them in a way that works for YOU. Its doable.
You’re right: Lots of people out in this world DON’T give a damn about others. Then again, some REALLY do. Even when it hurts, its better to be one of the ones who does.
Don’t give up just yet.
(BTW: I zoned out for my teen years too. Pretty successful now, so I guess brain cells are salvageable.)
Was it the drugs that changed every thing ?
No it wasnt just drugs its just that was a dramatic turning point for me, it was pretty much my first personal unsheltered decision to try drugs, and i can tell my thoughts are altered from using, i know some people on here have never used so they dont totally see this from my point of veiw but it changes you in little ways. noticeable ways. and on top of that i was still transitioning from childhood, its weird to have your last normal memorys be of being a kid, i kind of makes me feel like im still that little kid, its weird. now my main sources of fun are using drugs. its a fucked way to think. when all you want to do is get high you just feel selfish. yea im doing good things getting school done not getting in trouble with the law but i still crave it, witch isnt what i want. Simply im stuck with the mindset, but im through with it, im just trying to kick it now. but im still emotionless and it eats at me.