I came on here once before looking for advice and general guidance and I found it helpful so I’m back. I have a somewhat complicated scenario.
I’m a college sophomore and I have to say that the past few relationships I’ve been in have been horrible. The last guy I was with (I found out after he broke up with me) had been cheating on me the majority of our relationship. The last date I went on, my date spent the whole time ranting about how hot our mutual friend was but since she rejected him he decided to try for me instead. Not to mention, as a side note, a few months ago a guy I thought was my friend tried to force me to kiss him in a den in our dorm. He was drunk so I didn’t press the issue on an authoritative scale, but I see him around work and he scares me sometimes. None of this is really important to what I have to say, but I’m listing these experiences to give examples as to men have generally treated me in my lifetime.
I have feelings for someone I really shouldn’t have feelings for. It started when we went on a vacation with our mutual friend for a weekend We ended up spending a lot of time together. Several hours alone. He’s 20 years my senior (he’s 38, I’m 18), but I know him very well and this wasn’t even the first or the fifth time we had met, it’s just that on that vacation something clicked and we just loved talking to each other.  He thinks the world of me. He’s always telling me how smart and talented and pretty I am (even if I don’t think those things). He was so kind to me. He pulled out chairs for me and lent me his coat when I was cold. He was always watching me and asking if I needed anything. No one had ever been that attentive and kind to me in all of my life. Now, I’m a hermit  and don’t really use social media so I decided to give him my phone number. I didn’t know what would come of it but I just… I don’t know, I wanted to talk to him I guess.
That was a few months ago. We texted a little bit, but not really that often. We each would initiate conversations about 50% of the time. I enjoyed talking to him. Then New Year’s Day he asked me out to dinner. He was in between jobs at the moment, so I knew that he didn’t have that much money, but he still took me to a really nice restaurant. We had a nice conversation and dinner and he did all the courteous, chivalrous things he normally did for me. He had told me that I looked very nice and that he wanted to do this again, in the car he even said he wanted a picture of us together next time. He dropped me off at my house and hugged me goodnight. We held on to each other and swayed for about ten seconds.
Then today he took me out again, this time for breakfast and to hang out during the day. The night before he had even made me cookies. He treated me exactly the same as he always does, but he said something that bothered me this time: “This is how boys treat you on dates, right?” To which I of course replied, “No.” And I proceeded to tell him that no one has ever treated me even remotely as good as he does. To which he says that I’ll find someone, chivalry isn’t dead, don’t worry about it. And he’s telling me to go out and meet boys and all this… is he seriously this oblivious? Am I just stupid? How is taking a girl out to a nice dinner and then breakfast two weeks later completely on your tab not a romantic gesture? Furthermore what does he think, that an 18 year old girl and a 38 year old man are just going to be besties or something? Why is he pouring all of this attention into me and then basically saying, see this is how it should be done, you need someone like me. Well I do want someone like him. Him.  I mean… I don’t even know.
He made more plans with me and asked for my address so that he can make and send me care packages. I don’t know what to do. Clearly I’m more emotionally invested in this man than he is in me. I guess I’ll just let him play his game with me and reciprocate as I see fit. But this is what drives me crazy in life. No one…. NO ONE… has ever treated me as wonderfully as this man does. And what does it amount to? Nothing more than a game. It’s not genuine. He’s not genuinely courting me, he’s just basically showing me what it would be like if anyone in my life would actually be stupid enough to do something like that. I give up. Who does that to a person? I don’t really love you but this is what it looks like… I have feelings, too, you know.
2 comments
Hello Odette,
This was an interesting read for me, as I’d always wondered how the female mind worked in regards to courtship and such as you girls never comment on it, leaving us inferior males to speculate. Hmm… The way I see it, and I’m speaking purely from my POV, is that males in the 18-25 age bracket cannot grasp the concept of courtship and wooing a girl like there father’s would of back in the day. The prevalence of social media and trivial outlook people give to life in general means that most will not even bother with building up to something special and instead wish to only score a home run and be done with.
I myself am a twenty year old male, and I’ll admit that I’m old school when it comes to relationships and getting a girls attention. Which is probably why I’m still single now as most girls aren’t even remotely interested in actually getting to know each other, most likely because they’ve never experienced chivalry and stuff before. I don’t know.
I think there is definitely someone out there for you. This friend of yours is well…”teasing” you for want of a better word. I mean, if you can believe in true companionship and romance and stuff, maybe there’s hope for me too. You deserve more than just a partner or friend, you deserve someones who will genuinely love you, as that’s the vibe I’m getting from you. Anyway, I shut up now.
Hope this helps, and take care out there 🙂
Hi Odette. I’m older than you and one thing I’ve learned from years of dating and watching my friends in relationships, is that it’s far more productive to ask people to explain their behavior than trying to guess what they’re thinking/feeling. If you really care for this man and think there’s potential for a relationship, you should tell him how his contradictory behavior confuses you and find out if he wants to date you or be friends. Be specific about how he acts or what he has said so that he understands you. At the same time, try not to be accusatory or angry, otherwise he’ll get defensive. Just be honest and matter-of-fact. On the other hand, if you don’t really think it could work out because of the age difference, you’d be better off distancing yourself from him so that you can develop feelings for someone more appropriate.
As for your past experiences with guys your age, I think it’s a good idea to look at the types of guys you attract and why. Sometimes we’re drawn to people who are bad for us, or we let things go on too long when we know it’s not working or it’s not healthy. I find that setting clear boundaries with others keeps them from mistreating us. In other words, the first time they do something that makes me uncomfortable, I tell them right away so it doesn’t happen again and they know that I expect to be treated with respect.
Good luck! I hope your situation resolves and you feel better. 🙂