I just don’t know.

My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 8 years old. my first suicide attempt was at 9. I have been diagnosed with mixed receptive expressive language disorder and non verbal disability disability, which almost makes me socially disabled, not to be confused with mentally disabled. I have been severely bullied my whole entire life, even to this day at 20 years old. When I was 14, my father passed away of copd, and my sister two days later of an accidental  drug overdose. I also had 2 cats and 1 dog pass away that year. I was numb the whole entire time. 5 years later I still haven’t been through the last stage of grief, which is acceptance. Growing up, I had my parents, but they weren’t really there. My dad was sick my whole life up until he died, I don’t even remember him ever being healthy. And my mom was always working. I dreaded going to school, and I dreaded going home. I also always looked up to my sister. She was everything I wanted be. She was beautiful, she was popular, and all the boys loved her. She was always the person I went to for advice, up to the day she passed away. I feel like I could have prevented it. She asked me to spend the night at her place, but I wanted to be home instead. I slept on the floor of the spot my father died (he was on hospice). Even to this day I still want to seek revenge on the people that stole her valuables instead of calling an ambulance. also, I’m a very rotten person. I deal with my depression by being angry. Almost everything irritates me and I’m a real snot. I wish I wasn’t, but it’s so, so, so hard to control. I don’t take any medication. I took them before and I feel like I’m much better off them than I am on them. If there was a pill that I only have to take once to take all this depression and anger out of me, I would take it in a heartbeat. Sometimes I hate my family. The only reason why I keep myself alive is because I know they love and care about me. If they didnt, I would be long gone. I would’ve gotten rid of me a long time ago. i know this sounds selfish, but just my family (which consists of 3 people now) caring about me just isn’t enough. I want someone, just one person who Im not related to just to call me once in a while to ask how I am. My family, and my cat (who has been loyal to me for the past 12 years since I got her) is the only thing keeping me alive. The only time I really cry is when I very angry and I hold it in. I feel like if I cry, I show others that I’m weak and they feel like they have a license to treat me like crap. My suicidal thoughts have been coming more and more, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even know how many times I went to walk to the hardware store, and I don’t know how much longer I have until I actually make it there and use it. I don’t know anything. I’m miserable, I’m selfish, and I wonder what the actual purpose is of god putting me on this earth. I can’t imagine why he would want me to suffer like this.