I feel as though I need to express my final words somewhere. I clearly cannot reach out to loved ones about my decision, but I feel the need to write a final “goodbye” so to speak. I have been suffering from anorexia for 7 years. It has truly been a coping mechanism for the deep depression I feel and being unable to process my emotions in a healthy way. Without it, I cannot function. With it, I cannot function. There seems to be no winning for me. I have tried treatments and therapy and medicines, it doesn’t work. I am scheduled to be admitted to the hospital later this month to save my life. I am deciding to die instead. I feel as though I deserve to escape the hell I live in. Regardless of my circumstances I am mentally unstable and will feel constant pain. Â I have accepted that I do not control this. Being non-religious, I’ve always reserved a little fear of death. I recently read a quote that really finalized my decision. “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but you will have lived a noble life that will live on in the life of your loved ones.” I truly feel as though I have made a positive impact on the world around me up until recently, which is why it’s my time to go. I have done all that I need in life.
My suicide method was the easiest decision I have ever made. Having anorexia, I have the mental ability to pass through my bodies need for food that most people cannot handle and end up binging. For normal and healthy people, your body will at some point give in to your innate need for food and you will eat. Hence why crash diets fail. But anorexics? This is one thing we have. I am severely underweight and am so close to death that I sincerely doubt it will take very long to die after I stop drinking and eating. I am positive I can do it. No physical side effect is too much for me to handle. I’ve been involuntarily hospitalized many times before on the brink of death, all I need to do is hide this from people and I WILL succeed. I am over 18, so as long as I’m not found before death I can do this. My plan is just to be a hermit and see as little people as possible. People will assume I involuntarily died of anorexia nervosa so there is no need to write a suicide note or have people wonder what they could have done.
This world is a beautiful place beyond words. The fact that there are children laughing, animals sleeping peacefully, and streams quietly flowing is enough to put me at ease dying. The world will go on and so will I.
19 comments
Thank you for sharing this. You are a truly beautiful soul and I wish you the best following this decision. Most of all I’m glad this decision came easily to you, and that you will finally be at peace after so much pain.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Kindness to a stranger like yours are what gives me hope for others and feelings of peace for this world.
Substitute the anorexia.
Have you ever tried some good bud? Not trying to he humorous.
It’s gotta be good, though. Take one hit, and see what happens. It may help for your appetite, too. <B
I've got no more threads, too.
I have! Honestly, starving is my high. There’s nothing like it to me. I do drink, and used to smoke. Whenever I did smoke, I never ate. In fact, food tastes worse as my mouth is so incredibly dry. I’ve never understood the high munchies.
It may help with your appetite, too.
It’s better if you keep your mouth hydrated. =b
Heh good luck. You sound experienced with resisting the pains that come from hunger and thirst and I’ve seen silly people make this same proclamation before on this site that they would either starve or dehydrate to death, but in doing so it shows an ignorance of how strong instinctual drive will really get if you TRULY come close to the level of being dead. Humans beings who truly know what hunger is like have found themselves eating the walls and doorframes of the room that they’re in or simply eating dirt. Even as an anorexic you may think you’re skilled at ignoring your body’s signals for hunger, but as long as you have any sort of muscle tissue or organ tissue left, your body switches to just cannibalizing its own tissues and you think you’re successfully ignoring hunger. Only when your body depletes even THOSE reserves will you find out how loud your brain will shout at you that you ARE going to eat or drink something. We live with the illusion that we control our brains and that we “are” the voice we hear in our head, but get yourself truly close to dehydration level and your brain will start to work against your own will. If you truly think you could handle the pain of your own kidneys shutting down and that you’d have enough will power to see it through to the end… I think you likely have another thing coming. The instinctual part of your consciousness won’t give a damn that you want to die. It’ll start making decisions for you.
Good luck. Seems ironic though because if you really think you have the willpower to ignore the pain of your own organs shutting down then you’d think you’d have enough of a pain tolerance that you could deal with the pain of being alive in the first place.
I would highly encourage you to become familiar with material before you try and present an argument. I have had seemingly every medical problem under the sun that SHOULD (according to your theory) make me turn around magically start eating again. Which by the way, I am familiar with the biological drive in humans to survive, but you aren’t taking into account mental illness. At 19 (I’m 21 now), I had a heart attack as a direct result of my eating disorder. I am repetitively told I will die soon if I do not seek help. I am being forced to enter the hospital for stabilization because my doctor does not think I will live. With a BMI of 14, I am far from healthy, and I sincerely doubt it will take me nearly as long to pass away as it would for a healthy person. But alas, a random person on the internet does not determine my fate or my successes. I hope you are able to learn compassion and empathy in your time here on earth, and live a fulfilling life. Best of luck to you.
Sorry to hear about how you’ve gotten here. I mean no offense and can’t begin to understand your illness, but it’s unfortunate that your strong will power is used for self-destruction rather than self-preservation.
It’s funny that we think we’re strong and could overcome anything, yet I myself have been at times absolutely crippled by my own deep-seated insecurities-which I think have simple become unconscious motivators. It’s prevented me from dating girls I’ve wanted to date and sometimes standing up for myself at times I should’ve taken a stand.
I’m still trying to overcome my own limitations have have grown to hate myself and my life and feel the struggle is no longer worthwhile as I’m getting older. Sometimes I think the most humane thing to do to myself-like one would due to an injured animal is just peacefully put them out of their misery.
Trouble is that people around me depend on me and if I was not around, things would get worse for at least a couple of people who rely on me. So I keep going on, hoping things will get better but not very optimistic anymore.
Endless, if you think she is going to fail, then just tell her. If someone truly wants to die they will. The reason why some starving people eat dirt and doorways because they want to live and will do anything out of desperation to continue living. Suicide is desperation for death not life. You will not see a human who is devoted to death by starvation chewing a wall. Have you read about suicide by dehydration? When the person nears death thirst and hunger diminish. The brain will not go into autopilot. If it did then I think suicide will be irrelevant seeing that the brain would go into autopilot whenever someone shoves a gun in their mouth due to self preservation. Instead you will suffer confusion, delirium and then unconsciousness well before pain of organ failure sets in. If it were so horrible it wouldn’t be the choice of death for so many people who seek a peaceful method of exiting.
Oh yeah your last paragraph is complete bullshit. How dare you say that if she can go through and have the tolerance of pain to choose suicide by hunger and dehydration; then why cant she tolerate the pain of life is bullshit. Physical pain is in no comparison to emotional pain and mental illness. You don’t know the pain she is surrounded by, nor do you know how her life is or even how she copes with stresses in life.
Oh and by the way no one and their proclamations are fucking SILLY.l on this site. The reason why they are here is because everone thinks there silly and they deserve to be heard and treated with dignity.
Why don’t you go fuck yourself. This is why I hardly post on this site. I’m commenting to the person who wrote this post and you gotta get all involved in criticize what I said. This wasn’t a conversation with you.
“then I think suicide will be irrelevant seeing that the brain would go into autopilot whenever someone shoves a gun in their mouth due to self preservation. ”
Uhhhh why do you think so many people have a hard time with killing themselves? That’s EXACTLY why. That’s exactly why people come on a website like this and talk for months at a time rather than blowing their heads off. Because YOUR BRAIN FIGHTS YOU FOR SURVIVAL. Yes eventually some people stir up the will power to fight their brain for the ONE SECOND it takes to finally pull that trigger, an entirely different process than a long drawn out thing like trying to dehydrate yourself and feel your own kidneys and other organs shut down in excruciating pain. Yeah, show me a person who has the will power to do that willingly and wait to die.
Where are you getting your medical expertise, Wikipedia? “As terminally ill patients approach death, their desire to consume food and fluids tends to diminish.” Yes, TERMINALLY ILL, as in someone with a separate disease that is already about to kill them, will likely notice the loss of thirst and hunger as their body fails. NOT someone relatively healthy just sitting around trying to dehydrate themselves. If it was that easy to dehydrate to the point of death don’t you think it would happen more often, even on accident when people are exercising etc.
So yes fine in response to your first sentence I absolutely am stating that nobody could kill themselves this way.
You’re such a hypocrite, telling me that I don’t understand what level of pain she is at, while automatically making a judgment at me that I don’t understand how extreme emotional pain can be. You don’t know why my life is like either. Yet I still stand by my statement that however depressed someone might be would not compare to the challenge of trying to dehydrate yourself to the point of death while your eyeballs dry up and your kidneys fail. Yeah, good luck being so depressed that you could lay in bed and make it through that experience without blacking out and finding yourself sucking on the bathroom faucet when you wake up.
So yeah, mister “people deserve to be treated with dignity” while throwing out accusations that what other people post is “complete bullshit”, try taking some of your own medicine.
Bunch of fucking idiots on this website.
“Studies have shown that for terminally ill patients who choose to die, deaths by terminal dehydration are generally peaceful, and not associated with suffering, when supplemented with adequate pain medication.”
Well golly gee would you look at that why would they ever use “adequate pain medication” for already-ill patients choosing to enact death by voluntary dehydration if it’s such an easy walk in the park to just sit there and twiddle your thumbs and wait to die…
So how do I go fuck myself?
Will you teach me?
This shouldn’t be a place to start a fight over it, if this is what she truly wishes to to, leave her at least the right to try. If she fails, she fails. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I can only respect how much belief she has in her own power. So studies or not, sometimes people prove studies wrong. There are no rules. Hunger strikers have died. Now take that for an answer.
I have lost two friends that I’ve met in hospitals because of complications of their eating disorder. People are silly in their beliefs and trying to think I am an average healthy person deciding to just stop drinking and eating. Regardless, it’s really no one else’s concern if I succeed or if I fail. I had a heart attack at 19 from this, so I do not feel as if it far fetched for me to think I can die from dehydration. My body is ready to give out.
I’m sorry OP-Dissappearinggirl, I didn’t mean to disrepesct your post. I wish you peace and by whatever descision you choose, whatever it may be, I hope your just careful and it brings you happiness.
Thank you. I appreciate you trying to bring logic and understanding to my post. I don’t have the energy to care about silly arguments or people who don’t understand or aren’t educated. It’s no longer my place. Your posts made me smile inside a little because it’s good to see someone stick up for what they believe in.
Are you doing this for art?