pretty much a matter of time now..

for years ive read peoples stories on here.. just never bothered making an account myself until now..

please just note that im not here to listen to people tell me “life will get better” all that will likely be met with is hate. the same intense hate i feel towards the tons of other people that gave me false hope my whole life. its because of them that i have gotten to this point of insanity. the false hopes.. and me being pathetically naive.. clinging to whatever words i can to convince me to keep trying. does anyone have a clue how insane it can make someone by constantly being built up just to be let down in extreme ways? now i am finally at the end.

im sorry.. as that will likely come off as rude.. and i cant say i even know what im doing here or why i am bothering. i guess.. i just want someone to maybe talk to so this “journey” to a less painful existence isnt as lonely and bad..

ive wanted death since i was 8 years old.. thats just as far back as i can remember that ive had these thoughts/feelings. my self harm has also been present in one way or another since then. though it mostly consisted of hitting/punching myself at that time. now i am 22.. and absolutely nothing in my life has improved no matter how hard ive tried. only SEVERELY worsened. meh.. it would take a lifetime to explain all the bullshit that led me to this point. besides.. why even try? my own “family” and “friends” and “boyfriend” wont even care to listen and actually help me.. instead i get laughed at, ignored, or lied to and then let down again. so why would people that dont even know me care?

back in august i finally conjured up the courage to kill myself.. through overdose. i knew that because i only had weak medications at hand i had to take lots of whatever i could find. first taking a whole bottle of gravol(hoping it was a good start to make me able to keep the rest down) then whole bottles of zoloft, tylennol, and my last 10 or so .5mg of ativan. all while my “boyfriend” was sitting in the next room completely aware of what i was doing. once he saw me out of it and having seizures.. he called the ambulance. stuck in hospital psych ward for 3 days blah blah.. lied and said i wasnt trying to kill myself.. rather only trying to escape reality for a bit,  so i could get out and get another chance at it. i guess its a good thing my previous psychiatrist was clearly a gullible moron. a nurse informed me i almost died.. asking if it scared me.. it seemed to surprise her when i said no. but that was just the exact situation that i was scared of happening.. its not DYING that scares me.. rather SURVIVING and being thrown in a mental hospital.. while everyone that has abused, raped and tormented me gets to live on unscathed in their happy little lives. knowing what they did to me.. and how i just stood by them hoping theyd change and one day start to care, no matter what they did to me..

after this attempt.. my boyfriend managed to convince my incredibly stupid self again that there was still hope.. telling me how much it scared him and how almost losing me made him realize he needs to change.. didnt last long though.. and now im back at it again. its been three days now since ive eaten. i really didnt have this in mind as a way to kill myself.. i only stopped eating because i have locked myself in my room and have only been sleeping… and watching some stupid show. now that its been this long.. i feel its worth a try as a means to die. as for it being potentially painful? whatever.. thanks to my past, pain isnt so scary or intolerable to me. i can imagine the only way my death would be noticed is when my rotting body starts to smell. i guess thats the good thing about having everyone around me ignore me and not care. should have initially attempted it while he was gone.. but i didnt anticipate him actually coming and finding me.. seeing as its not the first time ive overdosed with him around. the other times i just didnt have enough at hand to take.. so nothing came of it but vomiting, pain or passing out.

whats always boggled my mind is the nerve people have to judge someones life when they have no idea… to tell someone “it will get better” all while they have no clue.. its almost like telling someone that has incurable cancer that they will be okay. do these kinds of people not realize that they could very likely be setting this person up to continue suffering? that they could be harming the person rather than helping? if it wasnt for people like these.. i could have been gone and at peace so long ago. yet here i am.. a MILLION more abuses and mental issues later.. worse off by the minute.. i just want it to be over. i wish so much that i had access to a gun.. or hell.. even a nice incredibly TALL cliff or building.. any sure fire fool proof way to die. not like my psychiatrist will ever give me strong meds again after what happened in august..

im very sorry this is so long.. i just want to say that if i could.. i would channel all the pain any of you feel to me.. since i will be gone anyways, at least id be put to good use. at least i could stop others from feeling these ways.. most of the time im not sure whats more painful.. MYSELF feeling these ways.. or knowing that so many others out there do/have too.. and that this is the kind of world we live in..