I’ve been out of school for a bit, partly because of Winter Break and the fact that it was too cold, but anyway I just wanted to write a letter to anyone really. Just to get my feelings out there. Now I know I’ve been posting a lot tonight, but right now its my only escape.
Dear….,
Hai. Today was an okay day. Tomorrow I’m not so sure about tomorrow. School is starting again and I’m nervous. The images have gotten worse. So have the panic attacks, but I guess its okay. No one wants to know about that. Well no one really asks how I am… Â I tell people I’m fine when they do, but that’s rarely. I lie to them so they don’t worry. I lie to them because they can’t know the truth. It’s getting harder to carry myself. It’s getting harder to fake the act. It’s getting harder to live. It’s getting harder to pretend. Now I know what you are thinking. Just tell people. I can’t though. Confrontation is something I’m not good at. Each night I talk to this person. They’re a really good friend of mine, but at 10:29 their wifi shuts off because their parents shut it off. For a while they could do something to the wifi so it worked, but last night they accidentally broke it… So tonight is the first night in a while I’ll be alone. With the darkness. And the images. I have nothing to shut the images out. I have nothing to stop them. I guess if anyone cares out there I’m getting close. Closer to befriending death. Closer. But what’s stopping me is many things. But they’ll run out soon. I’ll be empty handed soon. I guess I should stop writing before it gets too deep… I might continue this because it makes me feel semi better… kind of… not really, but it distracts me just a bit. So yeah..
*sigh* Au demain.
4 comments
As you’ve discovered, this is a good site to post your feelings. If you’re posting a lot tonight, that’s probably a good thing. I’m sorry that your friend’s wifi is down. Hopefully, it gets fixed soon. Being alone can be tough and that’s probably another good reason to post on SP.
Life is constantly evolving… and as those things you mentioned run out, perhaps there will be other things that develop to keep you going. Sometimes the little things in life can mean a lot. As for distractions, they can come in handy. It’s good to find things to divert your attention from the unpleasant.
The wifi problem… Well their parents turn it off so they go to bed… So that can’t really get fixed… Distractions I only have a few. And some don’t even help. Little things do help. Like songs. Or cats. Or just drawing.
You need to learn to be more self-sufficient. People won’t be able to be there for you 24/7, so try to think about how you can help yourself when you are alone. If you rely so much on one person, it won’t go well for you if they ever disappear for a while. Learn how to calm down and chill out without depending on another’s company, and then you won’t have to fear solitude.
I know alot about trying to live one minute at a time. My mind can only deal with so much and being unoccupied is not gòod sometimes. I listen to books on tape, anything light Harry Potter works for me. Sometimes I just make lists. Things to buy at the store, people in my life good or bad, things im greatful for. I did finally ask for help. I didnt want my mom to find me dead one morning. I said I need to see some one. The shrinks said they could admitt me if I didnt feel safe, at the time I was still in control but the visions of jumping out of the 5th story math class window were not fun to say the least. The shrinks said it would be 8 weeks to see someon then. I said no I would be seeing them in the next 7 days. Or my attorney would see them. I got an appointment in about a week. Depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Just like diabetes is a in balance of the endocrine sytem. It doest mean you are weak, or crazy, or worthless. It just that something gone a little off. The fact that you are reaching out to a friend is a great step. I hope you can take the next step and talk to an adult about seeing a professional help. Sometimes just knowing you are not fighting alone can make a huge difference.