So I’m On The Bridge…

I went to the bridge again today. There were blockades and signs up instructing people to not venture up to it because of ice. At least I guess that’s what it said, because naturally I stopped reading as soon as I read the first word and proceeded to go up to the bridge anyways. Close a bridge? What? For my “safety”? o_O I go to this bridge an unhealthy amount of times every week and do the same thing every time. I figure I’ll jump off one of these nights.

This time was particularly nice because for the first hour I was there I was able to enjoy some daylight while having the bridge to myself. It seems when it is light outside there is always at least somebody up there – that is why it is better to go at night or when it’s “closed” because I surely would not want people to see what I do up there.

Nobody showed up the whole time I was there. After walking back and forth the width of the river for awhile I stopped at the usual spot. It is above one of the seven massive pillars holding the bridge above the water. I stop here because I can climb down onto the pillar where there is a small platform and just sit for awhile. It was getting quite dark when the fog got thicker and virtually shrouded the city. Visibility was very limited so I thought I would be pretty much invisible where I was. But after sitting there for some time a barge shined its badass, laserbeam of a spotlight onto the bridge. The barge moved the light quickly from where it had initially shined it (down a few pillars from me) to where I was sitting. I jumped up immediately and climbed up to the outer ledge and over the railing back onto the bridge. I proceeded to walk away, fast. The light stayed on that spot for a moment before moving again to a new spot on the water this time. I stopped walking after I noticed the light continuing to move and slowly I realized I was being paranoid. Nevertheless, I didn’t climb over the railing again until the barge had passed under the bridge. I went to a different spot this time and just sat on the railing without going over. I started thinking.

How many other people have been on this bridge contemplating a jump?
How many other people have actually jumped off this bridge?
How many of those people succeeded in committing suicide?
Is this distance from here to the water enough to kill me?
I don’t want to jump here, I should move down to that spot.
Maybe I should climb up higher to get more distance?
How do I get on that ladder?

Eventually after being on the bridge a few hours, the wind picked up too much for me to continue sitting there wandering my mind, so I left.
I guess if there is a point to it any of this, other than I felt like sharing it, it would be in the spontaneity of suicide. I realize this point has already been made so many times on the Suicide Project, but ‘so many times’ + 1 time cannot hurt. I could plan and plan all I want for a particular method or a certain time and place of ending life, but what are the odds I’ll actually do it to the point. You might say if I was even serious about suicide then I would do it when I planned. But even if I didn’t do it when I “said” I would, will I still “feel” like I want to die? Is being suicidal relative? Can you tell when somebody isn’t being serious and just wants attention? What say you?

I’ve always figured that it would take time to develop this feeling of wanting to kill myself -normal people don’t go from a state of contentedness to suicidal overnight (I guess you could try PCP though.) But I also figured, personally, killing the self would be a random, spontaneous event when the right circumstances come together. Maybe I’ll jump off the bridge one of these times, Maybe I’ll OD on heroin – maybe I’ll jump off the bridge right after I OD on heroin. All I know for sure is that a lot of other thoughts need to be consolidated first, even if I do have the mind made up about suicide.