I will begin this exactly as my heading describes, where should I start? I have to check myself constantly. If I speak freely, I sound callous. I am far from. I have a five year old who relies on my ability to not be callous. I have a boyfriend who loves me and my daughter and loves the part of me that is untouchably optimistic. That being said, a big part of me is constantly pretending for everyone else’s sake. I’m always pretending to be ok. So my parents, child, and friends won’t worry about me. Almost three years ago my daughters father committed suicide. He had a substance abuse problem coupled with depression and other mental issues he refused to address. Despite attempting to address the problem, things never got better. He was abusive, neglegtive, and lovely; all at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, but he was quite the egnima of a human being. The night it happened, he was angry with me (as per usual him behavior) and it went to far. He was always angry with me. That’s like saying it rains in Seattle, it’s common, you learn to deal. This night was different; at least to him. He had always been abusive, but I had my tricks. My ways to deal, to deflect, or to pretend I wasn’t there. This night was just different. He came home and there was no ending that fight. I yelled. I yelled because it was four in the morning and our one year old daughter was asleep, I didn’t want her to wake that way. I have to be perfectly honest though. Our argument went through it’s usual rhetoric till a nerve was hit, my nerve. I made a life changing mistake. I gamboled with an intoxicated and drug influenced man. I don’t recommend that. Long story short I watched my daughters father shoot himself I’m the head. Right in my living room. Mid argument. Last words? “I’m not scared of blood!” That was it. My life is different. But for survivors, parents of this isn’t for you, spouses of survivors; it’s three years later. Our daughter will be five in March. I have friends who love me so much they make me laugh, and better yet, I have a boyfriend that knows my story word for word and accepts that that’s a place in my life I never asked to be in, but it’s ok 🙂 So the point of this long story? LIFE GOES ON! From one survivor to another..
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Hello Unicorn
Is this your first post? If so…nicely done. I am a survivor too. Tough job isn’t it? If I could say one thing to you…I understand why you say you are callous sometimes. It is a coping skill…and has nothing to do with who you truly are. imo
I know this is gonna sound stoopid…but you are very lucky. It is a tragedy that he felt that way about himself…and that he took his pain out on you. But I think this is why you have so many conflicting feelings about him and what happened as well as suffering from survivor’s guilt. Did you think you were gonna die that night? Stoopid question…of course you did…and probably many other times as well.
You have lived through a war zone…and yet you seem so clear and open and hopeful. But if you go around pretending you are okay…which I understand you have to do when you have children sometimes….people aren’t gonna realize that you need their help. Even warriors like you need help. I know I did. And didn’t get it until years and years later. What I eventually did…I started talking…and haven’t shut up since. 😀 Every time I tell my story…it releases some of the hold the trauma had on me. And every time I tell it I learn something new…or get a fragment back…but no matter what…every time I share my pain with someone who is willing to listen…cuz God knows no one really wants to have to listen…I heal a little more.
For me the worst was the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Quilt…is there something I didn’t try? Was it me that hurt him so bad? And the answer after all these years is no…there is nothing that I could have done. I did the best I could…I protected my children…I made sure they atleast had a mother…well the best one I could be at the time anyway. I don’t have to guess if you suffer from PTSD do I? I just hope you understand that surviving isn’t the consummate goal and that with proper help you could quit surviving…and start living again. I pray you get the help you deserve…cuz you seem strong enough to take on just about anything or anyone…but you aren’t really being very gentle with yourself sometimes…are you? I also understand how you can go through all that Hell and still love him with all your heart and be angry as hell all at the same time.
I’m gonna quit blathering. I really just wanted to say…I heard you…I am proud of you. And you are trying to do something positive for others. That is admirable.
I hope you find the healing you deserve. Even if you were the biggest ***** on wheels…no one deserves to suffer through what you did…and I sincerely doubt there is anything you could have done differently…you were not fighting to end his life you were fighting to save your own…as you should. Keep the good memories…learn to heal and deal with the bad ones…and go on to make a great life for yourself and your daughter. You deserve that and more.
And after all that…I am here if you want to talk more. I will leave you in Peace if you are not up for it.
Sending you Lots of Love and Light
Amakua