I cant get out of bed, my whole body hurts, food disgusts me and all I can think about is slashing my wrists…there is no one here to care or not care, I am alone, and there is no one I can talk to, not because they wouldn’t listen, but because I don’t know what to say…I have led a privileged life, there is literally no reason for me to feel like this…and still theres no reason for me to not have ended it already…into another year of cowardice and exhausting faking of wellbeing.
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You don’t have to fake anything, be yourself, even if you look bleak it’s okay, people are not happy all the time. 2014 sounds bleak as fuck for me, I don’t know why.
I dont want my parents to worry…ive come to rationalize the lack of purpose of my existance by trying to make everyone happy as long as im here, i love them far more than i love myself…I dont want to be a burden to anyone, especially not them, so i try to keep it to myself, after all, theres nothing they can do about my deathwish
I actually have a similar situation, I hate how things are going with me and I want to quit it all but I can’t do it because of feelings of others whom I care about, it’s the hardest thing someone can ever deal with honestly.
If you care about your parents, well I guess they care about you too, which’s something good to live for, that’s my opinion.
Yeah I know… it’s one of the hardest things really, because I know I have so many things that should make me want to keep on living but they simply dont’t…this darkness and these suicidal thoughts never go away, no matter how happy I am in any given moment…as soon as the smile fades they come rushing back in like a wave and smother me…
Have you tried anything to stop your suicidal thoughts?
Killing myself… I obviously failed, couldn’t even do that right.
I also went to therapy, three different shrinks, it only made things worse really…
You went to therapies, that’s good, at least you tried. I don’t know what may help you if the the therapies didn’t work for you.
Discussing life issues, my life issues, with someone else has always made the things even worst to me, that’s why I ignore my issues, though ignoring is not always the best solution, but it is indeed good for keeping the suicidal thoughts away.
Dear Candystripedlegs,
i have found through past experiences in challenging times if i make a reasonable goal
based in positive thought for others it represses my self destructive ideas. A couple examples of this that worked for me are, I want to see the joyful smile on my sisters face when she gets open her birthday gift that i made her. Another, i have a desire to join my best friend on graduation day so we can laugh off all the meaningless difficulties of the last year.
Yeah, it helps a bit, but eventually the sadness always wins… I can try and put it at the back of my mind but the wish to just step in front of an incoming bus is there every time I cross the street…it’s exhausting and I can’t do it anymore
I usually just ignore it but lately it’s too hard, I literally can’t get out of bed… now that I’m living alone (cause I am in Sweden on exchange) I only have to pretend for as long as the skype call lasts, but it is so dark here and so lonely, it has kind of amplified my previous depression, it’s debilitating…
what is your area of study?
Previous Depression, would you care to explain how you came about surviving that?
I study International Relations… and I’m afraid I didn’t quite get your second question… :s
Interesting subject. You can be our diplomat from now on.
i misread what you had wrote from one line to the next, my apology. Did you chose International Relations or was that more or less pushed upon you?
Diplomat…doesn’t sound half bad haha…
No, I chose it, it’s a subject that more or less combined many of my interests, history, languages, culture, international security…
Candystripedlegs, have you had anything to eat today? Let me adjust for time differences in this subject. It does look to be 21:00 there, so the question is relevant.
International Relations does seem to be a challenging career path! Excellent!
I had a couple of pistachio nuts and a mug of mulled wine… I threw it up a few hours afterwards though, I don’t know why but the thought of eating makes me nauseated…
And it’s currently 9:21 pm Uppsala, Sweden time.
as i read your post i get the feeling that you love your parents very much. Do they know of the depth of your current challenges?
Yeah, they do. I could never let them know… I saw how much they suffered with my attempt, I don’t want them to go through that again, I know they will blame themselves and none of this is their fault. At the same time, I know if I just blind side them with my suicide they will blame themselves anyway, and ask themselves why I never told them anything… it’s kind of a rock and a hard place situation, I don’t want to hurt them, but in the end, I am sure they would move on and heal once I’m gone.
A loss of a child never heals. (Not that i can relate) i know this through interactions with many older friends. No matter the reason behind the loss, i do know suicide never lets the parents rest, unlike war, car accidents, work related and medical. Those are situations that happen as part of life, as is depression and suicide. However, suicide is planned and thus can be permanently postponed. The key is in you, you have to want to live as much as you currently want to die. You have to want to live for You! However, you will need to enlist the help of those that love you very much. They would not of suffered so much with the first attempt if they didn’t love you. I am sure they would trade everything in the world to give you an attempt at a road to surviving. i was reading one of your other responses where you state, “i would give up my life so that another may live”. I am sure your parents would say the same about there child.
I can tell you my wife didnt give a shit I tried to end it. She told me so. Only thing she didnt admit was how happy she would be if I have completed it. It would have meant she got it all (since she knows mom wouldnt survive either).
If you have someone who cares, you are lucky.
Once my mom goes, I have nothing. I was telling my friend today the same thing.
I know, but I’m just too tired… they will understand, I don’t want to stay here and make their life all worries and blame. I know I would have to want to live and that’s precisely my problem.
I’m really sad to hear that… sometimes I don’t understand how human beings can be so spiteful towards each other….
i believe you are very tired. i Do not believe they would understand or accept. Those worries of the parents you write of would be replaced with indescribable joy as they witnessed you reaching goals on the road to survival! I know somewhere in you there still is a seed of life, or you would not be on this website. We just have to nurture that seed and find a way to let the light to it.
Do you recall a life changing experience that brought this on or has it slowly gained ground on you?
To be honest I just came in here cause I had no one to talk to and I wanted to put how I felt in writing in a somewhat coherent manner…
I’m not sure, I guess you could say it was kind of the way Elizabeth Wurtzel describes it… “gradually, then suddenly”… I guess it all started at the end of middle school, when all the girls in my class began “going out” with boys and no one ever took an interest in me. In highschool it was made painfully obvious to me that it was because I wasn’t a size 2 and therefore wasn’t pretty enough, and from there things just went downhill ever since. I wasn’t bullied too much or anything, I was just kind of… left out… like I was friendly with everyone, even the “popular crowd”, but I had no real close friends.
does your disgust with food trail from the size 2 ideology, or is lack the lack of interest in life? Or am i off the chart with both?
well I guess you could say I do have an eating disorder, but being put off of food like I am right now usually only happens when I am really really depressed…
Well, i have very little experience with eating disorders except a short spell of it with my older sister. Since you said you kept your last small meal down for 3 hours, that was mediocre news knowing that a most true eating disorders do not wait three hours.
You wrote about 3 Shrinks that you went to see, none of them helped. Can list the questions that they did not ask you, that you felt were going to be the most important in your recovery?
If someone cheers you up now, you’ll likely sleep well and your appetite return in the morning. I’ve got no bright ideas that will help but I find being preoccupied can make at least some depressive thoughts subside.
Oh but I didn’t puke it on purpose, it just came up… I’m a restrictive dieter, not a purger. I have literally no idea what they could have done differently… I just generally find the whole idea of regular people with a few theories trying to put people into boxes with disorder names very naive and silly, especially when who knows what they themselves have going on…
And Duke of Marmalade, I tried distracting myself with something but at this stage that doesn’t work anymore, I can barely get out of bed, and my insomnia and disordered eating will make sure of that doesn’t happen…
What if a flying saucer landed outside and an alien came up to you and needed your advice on how Europe could maintain it’s sovereignty when they take over. Wouldn’t that reduce your depression?
I agree with the Duke of Marmalade. How do we find a way for you to focus your energy on positive events instead of negative. As you know proper eating is an important step in recovery.
if someone you love came to you with the same symptoms that you have, with the in-depth knowledge of the challenges that faced you, where would you tell them to start the healing process
that would be distracting indeed, but really it would give me the perfect excuse, my parents would have an alien invasion to worry about haha…
I’d probably tell them to get out of the house and walk around…it’s a lot easier said than done
Are your grades suffering?
should you set a goal for the morning to go take a refreshing walk in cool (alright Real Cold) air? Even a short walk! I understand that is easier said than done. However, i believe in you there is a part that want to!
I don’t think so, I’m really in no fit state…all my joints and muscles ache and it hurts to move even to walk across my apartment…
no, I never let them, I’m a pretty avid reader and a fast learner so it’s not too difficult to keep them up
Maybe you could write a sci-fi novel about Aliens invading europe,and the Duke of Marmalade Assembling an army and saving mankind, one person at a time!
Well that’s usually a good sign.
well I’m more partial towards poetry myself, but if that isn’t a winning premise, I don’t know what is… maybe I could write an epopee lol
i would love to read it!
I checked out your blog. Are you the girl in the photograph?
the tumblr?
Yeah
yeah, that’s me…
You look nice
oh, uhm thanks… I like to think I am nice, most of the time… n.n
I wasn’t expecting it.
you weren’t expecting me looking like a nice person? why, do I come off as bitchy? I’m so sorry… :c
you wrote “…not because they won’t listen, i don’t know what to say” I would dare say you can be quite articulate. So i am believing it is not for a lack of words but more like a lack off effort to express those word to the ones you love. Do you parents know of your blog?
No not at all. I new you were nice all along. You’re costa rican and it’s amazing the lives people live that you’d never encounter and wish you could. You’re alright candystripedlegs. I think you’re going to be ok.
No, they don’t… and you’re right, it’s not because of lack of words, but it’s not lack of effort either, it’s just that I honestly wouldn’t know what to say… they would ask me what’s wrong, and I have no answer for that, I have absolutely no idea why I am depressed, or why it gets this bad sometimes, or why I wish to die every second I’m awake, I really don’t know…
Thank you for your good wishes, you’re very sweet… sometimes I do think that, that I’ve just met all the wrong people and maybe if I had had different classmates or met different friends, things would be better… but then again, there are so many more ifs, and it is useless to ponder upon them really…
I didn’t read all of the posts, but i’m wondering, you say you have had a privileged life… maybe you just lack a goal or don’t have reasons to find one? is there things you’d like to do with your life in the future? a life without motivation usually ends up on the person wanting to end it because they see no point in it
That is exactly the honest answer that you need to tell them. Tonight, call them…..Mom, Dad i love you very much and i am in need of your help…..and tell them what you just wrote. The longer you hold this back the more difficult it becomes. You don’t need to know all the answer, you could just use some support as you travel on this road.
The world can be fascinating and rewarding if people were able to give it a chance. You’ve got a lot to offer I think.
I do have an idea of what I’d like to do, things I’d like to accomplish and places I’d like to see, I think… I think I don’t want any of those things more than I want to die…. which doesn’t even make sense to me…
i agree wholeheartedly with The Dukes Statement!
that’d break their heart, I can’t do it… especially since I’m so far away, they would worry incessantly about me seriously harming myself here…
that’s very kind, but I’m really not, I don’t think so… I don’t entirely blame the world for the way I feel though, it’s just a puzzle to me, and like I said, I’m just so exhausted of carrying this deathwish with me…
You sound like a considerate person that wants to get better and doesn’t want to harm others, but if you have goals and motivations and the deathwish is stronger maybe you should look for help. I don’t think you’d break your parents heart for asking them for help, i think it would be worse if you never give them a chance to help you before it’s too late
Around 10-20% of people don’t respond at all to any treatment. They are in all sorts of trouble. Around 60% have some improvement but its limited. Only a small number of people have what you’d call a recovery.
Yeah, most opinions here seem to concur with you… it is all very difficult, I’m really not sure what to do. Honestly I would rather not see them cry about this, I’d rather be gone… but isn’t that a selfish and horrible thing to wish for?
yeah I don’t think therapy worked too well for me… actually one of them got a psychiatrist to prescribe me clonazepam for my insomnia and that’s how I tried to kill myself the first time…
At least try the antidepressants first.
Stop carrying the deathwish. you have a family for a reason, they will help unload your burden and there will be piece of mind knowing that you are reaching out for help. If you find that hard to believe, call them and ask if they lose more sleep not knowing the truth about you or if they would know the truth and were actively engaged in positive steps forward.
I already did, tried Prozac for 2 years, only made it worse, then they switched me to Zoloft for a year, still nothing…
you… ugh it’s so difficult… I know you´re right, but I’d need so much courage for that conversation… and I’m a fucking coward who can’t even muster up the courage to jump out her 5th floor window at any given time… it’d be so easy, there’s no one to stop me and I still won’t
Prozac and zoloft are both awful drugs. There are different classes of antidepressants that aren’t as awful, but SSRI’s are plain annoying, imo.
Yes, you need courage for that conversation! You need courage to continue living! You have it! You are not a coward for not jumping out the window……it proves that the seed of life still grows in you!
That is such a great sign! You, stop you. No one else can stop you, ever. However, everyone else can support you and carry you in the difficult times that seem overwhelming.
yeah, I don’t know… I’m not too sold on any antidepressant really…
But you’re all such nice people, I’d love to talk to you more some other time, I think I better go now and start trying to fall asleep to succeed sometime before dawn, but yeah if any of you are interested, my email is ramelsau@hotmail.com
I do hope we can chat again sometime SanityMe, captainsquirrel, Duke of Marmalade, keief and lorax… and thank you for all the good advice I hope I am someday bold enough to take….
Goodnite and I’ll look forward to it.
I was honored to speak with you, thank you for sharing.
I tip my hat to all others, The Duke, Sanityme, keief and lorax.
Goodnight