Pain

I hurt. It’s not the sharp pains of catching myself with a razor nor the slow build of a burn. It’s not the fiery swell of choking down rum nor the tenderness of bruises re-darkened diligently. It’s more like a dull ache, a throbbing in my chest that seems to squeeze my heart until it’s up in my throat and I can barely breathe. My wrists start itching and my feet begin to heat up, both begging to be used to gain some sort of release.

When the throbbing’s not there, I feel numb. I’m lacking in motivation. Things I used to love make me feel like shit. I can’t talk to anyone without feeling like shit. But- I have a lot of people who lean on me, who vent to me. I don’t know why- Can’t they see I’m about to cave in? Leaning on me is dangerous- I don’t want them to fall and crumble too. They’re wonderful people, really. Kind, intelligent, and creative; all have such bright futures- But as for me… I can’t even see myself doing something as meager as cart pushing for Walmart.

I feel so empty and more often than not, I feel like there’s just nothing left for me in this world. Sometimes, I get busy enough to distract myself… I’m in several clubs and activities and sports, all so I can spend more time away from home. I hate home the most… I can’t talk to anyone without being belittled. In school, I come off as aggressive and analytical, quite possibly egotistical because I brush off other people so much… I just don’t want them to get close. I’m so afraid of them getting close and hurting me. Or worse- Me hurting them…

I just- I just want to disappear. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to make them worried, or sad, or anything like that. I don’t want to cause them trouble. I just want to let them be free of me and the grief I’m sure I cause. I don’t want to be a burden on them anymore. That’s why I listen as much as I do, stay as active as I can, and try to smile through the numbness or pain. I don’t want them to know how broken I am because they’d be sad or angry… I wish I could do something more for them than just erasing myself. I wish I could fix myself and be better… I’ve thought I could. I’ve been foolish to think that I could.