This is going to sound ridiculous, but I don’t think my body was meant to last as long as it had. I tried to kill myself a couple of years ago and failed (obviously). I am currently in my first year of university, and a lot of my joints have been giving me increasingly more problems. It started with just my ankles, but now my wrists, knees and shoulders are paining more and more often. It’s as if my body it breaking because it was not meant to go on as long as it has.
I also see nothing in the future. All my ‘friends’ have hopes for the future, even it is a small hope or dream, like getting a degree. I have no hopes or dreams. I don’t see anything in the future except a gaping black abyss. I hide my feelings of despair from those around me because I know they will make fun of me or tell me to just get over it. I started cutting myself again after several months of trying not to.
I want to end it, but my problem is I fear pain. Stupid, I know. “Let’s all laugh at the moron who can’t even kill herself because she’s scared of it hurting!” I do not fear Death, not one bit. If I knew how to make it painless, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m tiring of constantly having hold my breathe or breath really slowly to force back the tears. I’m losing my control over my emotions slowly and I don’t want to through the ridicule and judgement of losing control again.
My facade slipping and I don’t want to deal with the questions and looks again. I can’t go through it again. I have to find a way out.
Somehow…