I wish,
oh how I wish I had the strength to bring my breath to a stop,
I’m stuck between my loved ones and death,
And they don’t suspect my last breath.
— I wish i had the strength to kill myself, but I cant, because no one knows what death is like. So many religions around the world have their own ideals and perspectives. Some I used to follow till they yelled, stared down at me, ignore me, bullied me and drove me into the smallest corner of the church to hide. Til’ my family was done with their business there. Â Sometimes my sister would sit next to me in my corner, she would sit there messing about on her phone while i sat there listening to music. She was just perfect in ways that I am not. You could call us yin yang sisters haha. My weakness was her strengths.
She had beauty, a healthy body, the brains, the friends, the talents. I am ugly (i at first believed myself to be pretty, but all these people around me dont seem to know that i can understand multiple languages and they say hurtful things), I have health complications, I struggle at school and university, I have no talents…. I’ve explored, and tried hard until my fingers were numbing from jabbing violin strings, to attempting art for years only to be shot down multiple times, knuckles cracking at hours at the piano… My face stuffed in books. I give everything to friends. Whenever they need help I would be there. I would do anything to help. in return I do ask they hang out with me at times. But each time I can see they arent having as much fun as they do with their other friends. I always do the inviting. I’ve never been invited to much… things.
Im forgetful because of my ADHD… But I remember faces… Â I cant concentrate at studying… I read something I try so hard to focus and find myself 3 pages away still not knowing a single thing I have read.
I almost got kicked out of university… for bad… grades…. And if this sounds familiar to you. Then that person really is at the edge.
I cant kill myself because i love my family. They are the sole reason I cannot kill myself. Nothing else. But they are the sole reason my  suffering is dragging out.
Dont bring me bible versus, stop bringing my religious views. Because they arent helping me. I was abandoned by it years ago multiple times.
I wish my parents weren’t so weak about me.
They are strong the endured  a harsh past. And they come out near the top, Super luxury well earned life, no money worries… Only worries about me. I wish they would stop blaming themselves when they discovered the surface of my depression.
I can hardly imagine what they would do if they found all that was underneath the surface.
— Apologetic Sighz