Not because I want to – I simply can’t keep living. It’s not even so much that it hurts (though it does, especially when I stop drowning it out with anything fictional), but because I lack some sort of characteristic needed for life. I don’t have the will to live or rather for actions needed to survive. I can’t finish university – it’s been five years since I graduated high school and I went straight to college, yet after changing my major I have spent the last three years unable to finish even the first course of my studies. I’ve had maybe five job interviews throughout the last couple of years but even the action of sending out my CV is always so nerve wracking that right now I can’t imagine even looking for a job let alone keeping it. On top of everything by now I’ve got something of a social phobia – I’m ashamed of talking to people I know and almost paralyzed when interacting with strangers.
Honestly, I don’t think I ever really had a chance. Even as a child I never had any dreams – if others wanted to be doctors or lawyers or astronauts or whatever, there was never a single thing I dreamed of being. In adolescence I contemplated suicide as a concept, and arrived at the conclusion that the reason I wouldn’t do it was because I wanted to see how the world turned out – not because of something I wanted to do, be or that I enjoyed life so much, just to see how everyone else got on. A spectator is all I’ve ever been and all I’m capable of.
I don’t actually WANT to die, but I’m not capable of living and so long as I continue in this state of freeloader existence I’m only bringing pain to my family as well as costing them money and health.
That’s the place I find myself in – unable to live, not miserable enough to want to die. As I know it can’t go on like that I’m trying to figure out a way to work up the will to rid the world of myself.
I’m sorry if this was less than coherent, I just needed to put this all out there.