I want to end my life, but I have a 5 year old son. I’m a single mother, and although I have family that will take good care of him, I feel immense guilt at the thought of leaving him. He deserves a good life. And sometimes I think I might get in the way of that. But then again…I also think that I might be the best person he has in his life. I don’t know what to do. If I didn’t have him, I’d certainly take my own life asap.
But I think about how tragic his life would be. Left behind by his mother. What he would think of me? If he would ever understand my actions. If he would hate me. How would he remember me? How people would talk about me to him. Will he grow up to be a good/happy person in my absence? I feel like it’s unfair to take away another person’s chance at happiness simply because I’m miserable.  Those are the thoughts that keep me from killing myself.
(I should probably add: I lost my mother when I was 11. So I understand very well the effects that losing me can have on him. I haven’t made a decision to do it. But that doesn’t change the fact that I yearn for the misery to end. I don’t want to be the onset of misery for someone I love so much, so I’m willing to go on, in this world, in this state, if it will save him from a similar fate.)
17 comments
Common sense dictates that you belay committing suicide and stay here for your boy. It’s really a no brainer and I appreciate that perhaps not everything may be going well for you right now, but even in the presence of family; you will always be his No. 1. Talk to someone you can confide in or even here on SP about the misery that’s plaguing you and hopefully it can be eased back, thus letting you live somewhat more comfortably. Never forget your son, he needs you more than anyone else.
I disagree with Shephard. That’s the typical awnser. I’m not encouraging anything, so let’s be clear. But I’ve learned that you can live in misery for other people. Plus, beliefs come into play. Like, what do you believe happens after we die…or do you believe everything happens for a reason…
I think I sympathize and relate to you more than anyone I’ve seen on here. If you ever want to discuss things and happen to have a kik account message me. I’m sean0188.
Not sure how much of it would be about whether he hates you or not, I think the important thing is what it would make him feel about himself. Children internalize things and there’s a good chance he would end up blaming himself and feel like he caused you to hate your life, no matter how many people might remain in his life to try to tell him that his mother was just depressed and that he didn’t do anything wrong.
Nobody is ever ready to lose their mom. I’m almost 30 and I’m horrified that one of the few things guaranteed to be awaiting me in the future is losing my parents, especially my mom. Having it happen at 5 years old would be horrible.
I was just reading or watching something the other day about how trauma like losing a parent early in life can have residual negative effects on your health for the rest of his life. I can’t remember exactly what it was because I’ve read so many different things about stress and depression this past week. Tried looking through my youtube history, still can’t find it. But I remember something about how experiencing trauma early on in life conditions you to be more easily effected by it for the rest of your life, thus you are more susceptible to stress and panic than the average person, and that stress leads to health issues.
I kinda feel like people who have kids should consider the suicide option unavailable anymore. The child didn’t ask to be here, the only people who had any say in that were the two who participated in the act. He certainly doesn’t deserve to lose his mom any early than he has to.
Hope you’ll stick around for him. He’s going to need you. I’d probably be dead already if it weren’t for the times in my life that my mom was my only friend who helped me get through things.
Bear in mind misery management came into mention as well. I wasn’t inferring she live a miserable existence in the vain of letting her child live with a mother. The afterlife is too big a fish to fry, in that case plan out your most likely scenarios and go forward from there. You have a lot to process right now. Give it time and weigh up your options. Ultimately it’s your choice. Make it an informed one.
But what about her??? (Thousandcuts)
What if misery management doesn’t work?
…just saying. I get I’m the devils advocate here.
I should probably add: I lost my mother when I was 11. So I understand very well the effects that losing me can have on him. I haven’t made a decision to do it. But that doesn’t change the fact that I yearn for the misery to end. I don’t want to be the onset of misery for someone I love so much, so I’m willing to go on, in this world, in this state, if it will save him from a similar fate.
That’s honorable tma. You’re a very strong person.
I really don’t feel like it. But thank you. I appreciate your words.
You’re entitled to your comment mate, it’s all good. Upon misery management failing – assume termination procedures. Well, that’s what I’d do anyhow.
Also: tma1807 *tips hat* Outstanding, but you need to assess your current state and whether or not you can take steps to remedy it. It’s a truly good thing you wish to do for your child, but you need to look after yourself too.
I agree. It’s just not easy to find the help that I need, when I’m in the position that I’m in. We don’t have much money, and (to my knowledge/research) the government doesn’t offer adequate/low-cost mental health services. I’m not a very social creature. So I don’t have anyone I can go to with my problems. I’m not trying to make excuses…at least I don’t think I am. All of this adds to the feeling of hopelessness. And I hate myself for making myself into a victim. I just think to much.
Points taken and duly noted.
I believe that someone above has offered to talk with you more, I fear I cannot provide the support you may be seeking or I’d help you out myself. You did well to come here and share your plight with us, so carry this same strength going forward and remain…’content’ and a good outcome for yourself and your son.
Best of luck to you, and do take care.
Thanks.
Well if you are to go way. Plan to make sure he is taken care of. When I was young my next door neighbor killed herself and she has 4 sons. they took it hard initially but she had raised them well and they all went on to be successful. If you were to go away they could tell your son you passed away of illness and he could live with that until he is old enough to know the truth. but other then that. try to get help for yourself and stay in the game at least until you can raise him to an old enough age where he can fend for himself.
I appreciate all of your advice, especially hearing that story Uptown234. I’ll be starting therapy next week. And I plan to do all that I can to avoid the “final solution.” Feeling more hopeful today.