Wow, that’s about all I can say. It’s hard to believe I was about fourteen the last time I logged onto this.
I’m almost sixteen now. It’s scary how much can change even when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut, its terrifying honestly.
My childhood friend is getting married, my other ‘friends’ don’t even speak to me, and I honestly feel worse than I have in forever. My parents found out about everything going on with me, and they think everything is better now, that it just disappeared because the doctors said I was better.
I’m scared… I’m terrified of life, and I don’t know how to explain this to everyone. They’re pushing me more and more each day. “You’re grades are so low, Brittany.”, “You’re so lazy, Brittany.”, “Go to the store or something, or hang out with your friends, you haven’t seen them in a while.”, “You’re never going to make it if you don’t start trying harder.” I’m so sick of it… I really am. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do here, why am I even here? It literally hurts, my chest hurts… like my heart is just being ripped apart. I don’t feel like I belong here. I wish I knew the answer to this… I just want a reason to be here, is that too much to ask? I want to belong, and I don’t want people to look at me with pity because of what I’ve done the last five years of my fucking life.
I’m sorry that this is a rant post, I’m sorry that you’re probably annoyed by this post, I’m sorry I even logged on…
There are people who have it worse than me, I know this. But it doesn’t stop me from hurting…
I guess all I’m saying is, Life scares me, and I feel alone still… I just want someone who will understand that I’m not always going to be able to act like everything is peachy and that I’m human, I’m going to mess up…
I guess I’ma just stop typing now, because yeah, I’ll let someone else rant who actually has worse problems than being a teenage girl.
I’ll probably be on again sometime, I don’t know… Bye for now.
11 comments
It’s funny it’s been two years since I posted too. I don’t know what else to say, but you are not alone. I might be a lot older than you but I feel exactly the same way you do. Life sucks and one day hopefully we’ll get thru it.
Hopefully, sometimes I don’t see myself making it past the next year… but I hope I can fight for a while longer, for my family at least.
Wallflower, I sincerely hope you give this reply serious thought. Could it be that You aren’t afraid of life, you’re afraid of life that people are telling you you are supposed to be living? They’re explaining life according to THEM, from their point of view and on their terms. Please sit in a place that is conducive to Wallflower’s “happy”. That could be a meadow, a parking lot of a mall, a cemetery, ANYWHERE that makes you happy. Just because people tell you “this is how people live” doesn’t mean that’s how Wallflower lives. It’s people like you, the different thinkers, that change culture. I’ve been on a mission to find out “what is my mission” and it dawned on me, everyone’s mission and reason for being is obvious, it’s whatever you are doing when people look at you and shriek, “Will you knock it off!” Because that is the thing you cant put down, your passion. Please again, understand that one’s “life” is not everyone’s “life” so don’t buy into that. You have to block them out, breathe deeply…but breathe deeply like Wallflower and follow how Wallflower sees life as having to be lived. Start reading, philosophy especially, find truth! Your personal truth! Nobody can tell Wallflower what her reality is or should be!!! I am tapping my keys so hard my fingertips are going numb. Write back if you care to, let me know you understand. Get Strong! Something/someone has worn you down. Get up and eff them! Your life is yours!
Hi! I’m sorry I’ve been busy and not able to reply. Thank you so much for your comment, and I suppose you are right. Some people see it as there is only one way to live. I’ve been trying to change myself into the person I want to be when I look in the mirror. and its getting better, other than the fact people just refuse to understand. Thank you again.
I really believe that it is the free thinkers like you that make change. If you don’t give in to the oppression, you are the one that takes us, leads us to higher levels of consciousness, levels that, like a dog whistle, we cant hear – that you are privy to. help us to hear it!!!
Never feel like you shouldn’t rant. That is one helpful purpose of this site. It is better to rant than to keep it bottled up inside. Also, never think your problems are not as great as others and therefore are not worthy of attention. No matter how small it is, it is still a hardship for you. Your pain is just as important as everyone else’s. Sharing it helps. We all need to get things off our shoulders by telling someone who cares and there are a lot of caring people on this site. I care.
Thank you. I honestly feel like I should be ashamed for ranting… since my parents found out about everything going on with me, they always use the “Some people have it worse” card and it makes me feel terrible for hurting so much.
“…the ‘some people have it worse’ card…”
That fallacious logic suggests that only the single most unfortunate person in the entire world is allowed to complain.
And since that’s obviously stupid reasoning, you should embrace skepticism toward anyone employing such ridiculous fallacies, and suspect their reasoning capabilities may be inadequate.
We aren’t on the same page, me and people on this site. Nobody ‘deserves’ the sympathy they expect. It’s like everyone here’s life is more important than people with real problems which all the like minded people i.e everyone here in the same boat (people who’s girlfriend left them in 2009) can feel better about their own lives by writing half a page that only 3 people ever read non of whom were the original poster. You know why? because it only took them five minutes to forget about you. That’s why people say suicidal people are selfish. They are, there’s nothing wrong with that but generally in life too and there is something wrong with that because then you shouldn’t expect anything in return. People in this world have had their entire families taken away all sorts of atrocities and don’t expect the same as what these people expect because their lives are worthless and we all know it too.
I feel you wallflower. You’re a good person, you’re aware that some others may ‘have it worse’, please try not to feel guilty for that, as clevername says. Being a teen can be the very hell itself. Coming to grips with the transition to adult life creates a lot of turbulence. And it starts so young for many, especially these days. I remember falling into a clinical depression aged 19 (I was a late bloomer) and just how dreadful that was, when I didn’t understand what was happening to me or why…back then such things were not diagnosed or talked about nearly as much.
Sorry if I am playing the ‘age’ card, but it’s hard not to sometimes. I’m probably around your parents’ age or older. They mean well in what they say to you, but they don’t really ‘get it’…and people’s advice when they’ve never been there can often make the depressed person feel worse. You definitely don’t need the guilt trip! A lot of teens can be very self-centred and bratty, but you don’t come across that way…you’re aware of a world beyond you.
Hope you feel better soon hon.
Never feel bad just because other people have it worse than you. You can derive strength from that but clearly you’re more than just a teenage girl with typical problems – you’re going through a lot, and it’s okay to be scared.
I’m scared as well. Scared of what I’ll do with the grades I have, if I’ll ever get to uni, or even get a job. I just want to be happy – But I’ve forgotten what that feels like.
Just know that you’re not alone in this, and that there are people who feel the same way you do. You actually remind me of a friend I once had funnily enough. She had been through a lot too. Just as I did with her however, I believe in you.
I’m still looking for my reason to exist, though I’m two years older than you, but I’m a fool. Please don’t give up, even if it hurts so much, I know you’ll find the strength to keep on going. Maybe the answer is to create our own reasons to be, I don’t know but there is a point to your existence, and someday you’ll see it.
Isa