So, I’m gonna cut the bs here, I’m probably not going to kill myself anytime soon. I honestly just really want to share my story, get help, and possibly prevent me from doing so EVER.
I’m Mae, I’m 14, and I’m currently dealing with both severe anxiety and minor depression. Which honestly is like hell but you can’t really tell anyone. I’ve taken countless tests, and surfed for symptoms for hours, and honestly, I know that’s what’s wrong with me. Please, don’t call me stupid or attention seeking because I’m self-diagnosed, I’m sorry but I just can’t ask people about it because it honestly makes me incredibly nervous thinking about doing that.
Because of anxiety, I honestly never feel 100% relaxed, and I’m pretty much just a little ball of worry. But because of the depression, I Â have a tendency to lack energy, and feel just generally sad. It’s like worrying and wanting to do something about something but not having the motivation or energy to do so.
I don’t have many friends, and I don’t really feel able to confront my family about big things. The thing I realize most often is that I honestly hate myself. I’m dumb, ugly, I take up space, I don’t talk enough, when I do I’m too loud, I’m anti-social, and I am generally just an all around piece of shit. A lot of days I don’t really see a reason to live, and I really do think about ending it. The problem is it’s not so much I want to die, I just want to stop existing.
I’m not really sure what big point I’m trying to make here, I just want someone who has similar experiences as I do so that I guess we could both dragging each other out of this mess. I don’t even know, I’m really just venting
5 comments
Know how ya feel I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ADHD. Ur way to young to do this Mae I’ve been there, when I was 14 I was the awkward dork but trust me it gets better
I have a nearly symmetrical experience, I’m 18 and life doesn’t get any easier as you age. However the freedom is a blessing 🙂
I wanted to stop existing for most of my teenage life, a lot of it stems from childhood but that is the age where a lot of wrong can be done to a human being very quickly.
I found the solace in devoting my life to the human race, I’m currently in college getting a degree in a field that can benefit the masses instead of a few. (Neuroscience Research)
Finding your motivation, your drive can keep these feelings at bay. Then adding in a certain mix of close friends can realy give these thoughts the finishing blow. Never truely gone but under control enough that even in times of strife you can not feel the need to sink into a hole and dissapear. You CAN be anything you set your heart friend.
Try practicing meditation for 20 minutes a day everyday. Tell yourself that you are beautiful, loving, kind. BE KIND to yourself! Everything else will begin to fall in place without to much planning~ You are a beautiful young women who will make an impact on your world and the people you hold dear. <3
You CAN be anything you set your heart to be friend*. (I made a lot of errors….)
Never give up hope that life won’t get better. We all have our ups and downs however some are worse then others. I actually bottomed out a few weeks ago and then decided to talk to my parents for the first time in 2 years. They may care more than you think 🙂
Hi Mae, I also have anxiety and depression, no energy or friends, so I can pretty much relate to your post, except I love myself and think I’m awesome. It’s really like hell. The absence of motivation prevents me from killing myself, so it’s kind of balanced.
Babes I’m going to tell you the truth : it gets better. When I was 14 I was slitting my wrist, thought I was fat like a whale (I was tiny- now I’m a whale), and I was just so empty. Then when I was 18 I blossomed and even though the doubt was still there I was glad I had survived past 14 to see how amazing life could be. . . . .you are so young but you won’t appreciate that for a few years.
If I could give my 14 year old self advice it would be : live for my hot 18 year old self. Do this by getting good grades (truuust me everyone that bullys you will look like quasimodo when you’re 18), 99% of boys will use you for sex – your body is a temple so cherish it AND get a job asap (don’t be picky), it will help you blossom into an amazing person.
It sucks now but if you take control of your 18 year old self now it won’t suck ever again xx