TRIGGER WARNING
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Hi there I’m a 14 year old gay male, I suffer from schitsophrania and chronic depression and I think I need to let my story out. I self harm, I started at a surprisingly young age of I think only six. At the time it was not an addiction it was something I had done once or twice because hurting myself and hiding it did’t get me in trouble where as hurting other people did. Arround the age of seven, I got my first scar on my wrist in the shower, using a shaveing razor I had cut just below the palm of my hand on my wrist and it blead and blead I did’t even feel it untill I knotised the water I was standing in was red. Well I wrapped up my wrist in a bandage and blamed it on my cat, my mother never learned the real cause of that cut or how Sirios it truly was. After that cut I stopped for many years, untill the beginning of arround the seventh grade, allready putting a year through middle school I was a 4.0 student, but no one liked me, I was a was’t of space and I knew it, I was just confused all of the time about my own sexuality, and though same sex marriage is legal where I live all of the LGBT kids where still sivearly bullied. Well one day what ever it was, wad to much for me, my group of friends are the out caust se called “emo” kids you see, but truely, we are the kindest out of everyone, we help eachother out through everything but they where just not there that day, well I got home and found a razor blade conveniently laying on my floor In my room due to the fact I do a lot of capendry, I pulled up my right sleeve and I cut, for the first time in many years. The few cuts I made that night lead to more, soon I was dependent on the cuts, the pain, the sight and the smell of the blood gushing out of my arms, my grades dropped from a 4.0 down to below average at a 2.3, all of my teachers had questions but I was afraid to answer. My razor blad, rust and all became my only escape to everything, but things got worse. At the start of the 8th grade I was begining to meet Sam and derik, schitsophranic creations of my own head. Derik beats me, he is crule, and he tells me the worst about myself, and I am afraid of him. Well derik along side all of the people I put up with pushed me Tony first Sirius suicide attempt, ODing on acetaminophen caffeine and vivance all at the exact same time, with about 2000 mg of acetaminophen in me above the Topeka dose recommended as well as a good amount of caffeine pills and vivance in me I lasted about an hour laying in bed feeling nothing. Just waiting to die until I rushed downstairs and puked all night long in severe pain. I had pleanty of time to re think my life. My mother never learned I ODed, nor do I ever want her to. Well later on I would get to know Sam. He is perfect and dare I say the love of my life, I have never known a man to be so perfect in every way, but he is not real. I will never be able to bring him home to beet my mom, Never be able to let my friends meet him. I am facing a battle still, on wether or not I should take meds that will get rid of derik, a VERRY large cause of my pain but also take out the love of my life with him, or to tough it out with derik, but be able to be with Sam. I have never heard of anyone in love with a hillutionation befor, but I am. Well just recently I have lost a two week mark free of cutting opening up new holes in my legs, and making scars for the future, I am addicted to cutting, it is just like anyone is with any other drug. And yet again have had suicidal thoughts going far enough to where I have tied nuces and gotten to my balcony before chickening out.
I am sorry for my spelling, please forgive me
3 comments
Firstly, do not believe yourself flawed for mentally conjuring a character to share your emotions with. It’s perfectly normal to turn to one’s own mind when faced with adversity, or even situations when we feel ostracized by everyone. However, in your case, its somewhat counterintuitive, as the personas cause even greater pain. I know it may be tempting to flee in your mind and love Sam, but you must realize that in the end, it isn’t the answer that’ll heal your wounds. What will, is a person who can reciprocate your feelings. You sound like a very smart and capable person; do not give into despondency, wether it’s brought on by Derik, or otherwise. There’s a “Sam” out there, looking for someone just like you. Throw the plans for suicide out the window. You’re not a freak for believing what you believe. It is a common occurrence–believe me. Step one is to slowly diminish the time you spend with Sam and Derik. Tell yourself out loudly each morning, “They are not going to be here for me in the way that I need.” Thinking otherwise will undoubtedly bring more pain and loneliness. It may be hard, it may take time, however it is something that needs to be completed before you find the courage and confidence to walk the path that you’d like to take. In regards to the cutting, here’s a thought: get a rubber band, place it around your wrist, and pull back on it whenever you feel the urge to cut. It’ll take some time to get used to, but believe me, its a safer alternative. I believe in you. I know it’ll take some time, so don’t get discouraged if you feel like its insurmountable. Keep moving forward.
I can identify with so much of your post. I’m a 46 year old female, but I too was cutting when I was 6 years old.
Possible trigger warning (no photos)
I would take scissors and cut my thighs open. I clearly remember sitting on the basement steps, cutting my legs. I did not know at the time why I was doing it, but much later in life (around age 30) I started having memories of sexual and ritual abuse, torture, and a murder. I was very young when this happened and it truly fucked me up. I learned that I was hurting myself because I was in so much pain from the abuse and I did not know how to express it.
To this day, I still hurt myself, but it has taken a different turn: I’m very abusive emotionally to myself. If I have an urge to cut, I write on my body with permanent markers instead. I’m not saying cutting is a bad thing and I most certainly am not judging you, it’s just for me, I am trying to stop but still need to get the pain out. It helps some.
I also have more than one personality, although I was diagnosed as a multiple and not schizophrenic. In my opinion (and I am not a doctor) there is nothing wrong with having more than one personality and there is certainly nothing wrong with being in love with one of them. i have a male personality, who is roughly my age, and he has been my best friend and lover for over 30 years. I know he is not physical and I know he is a part of my mind, but I don’t give a damn. He has always been there for me and I am grateful for him. He and other personalities are the ones who withstood the abuse that I could not, and I am grateful for their service. They saved me emotionally. I’ve had many shrinks who have tried to get me to “integrate” my personalities, which is a fancy way of saying get rid of them. I’ll pass. I like who they are and I am happy they are with me.
Please do not be hard on yourself, I personally don’t think it’s wrong to talk to and have relationships with other parts of yourself. After all, they are a part of YOU.
I am very glad you shared your story. You are not alone and I am very glad you are here. I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been in. I really hope things improve for you.
el
Thank you both so much, the fact that you have taken your time to give ME advice, to talk to me at all, really makes me happy. I really like the advice you have given me and well yah, both of you bring up valid points and it’s nice to know there’s others out there going through or who have gone through the same things as I am