Well, people have to start somewhere i guess. Some way to speak, say something in this place. For a long time now (not sure how much anymore, months for sure, years probably) i have only one clear thought in my mind – dying. Any way, any how. I came to the point in life when i realized i’m broken without any way to repair my remaining time. Will state right away that it has been more then strange journey for me, full of sickness, suffering and violence, both in mental and physical way.
I’m 30 in couple months, but feel like i’m ancient. I live in country whose people are corrupted and in big percentage quite evil. It is small place (500 km in radius, 600k people) but ruled by criminals whose acts control even smallest of aspects of life. I tried to leave, been fighting all my life to survive, from hunger or cold, from malice. I was even able to finish 2 Universities (last semester on second). Still i’m defeated more then ever. It hasn’t been triggered by anything really but the lapse of time and conditions of my life which don’t ever change to good.
In time i was active in fighting for changes in society, to help people, talk and care…but at some point i became hollow, my mind isolated, and my existence worthless. Of couple people i care about, i’m sure the life i would give for them gladly, they wouldn’t not similar for me. I’m crippled by sense of pointlessness of absurdity and paradox, and can’t break free from that. Nothing makes me feel anymore, to care, to believe in. Just emptiness without borders.
I was alone all my life, not because i couldn’t come to relationship, but because i didn’t want to. My cursed existence (and i’m not using this term lightly) made me realize early i would never wish life anywhere similar to mine to anybody, especially a child of mine (which to make things worse often i wish i had). The story about all of it is way too long for any kind of media to be wrote upon so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Few people call me, look for me but i don’t reply, and when i do, i do it without will. Can’t even find reason to get out of bed, or eat or breathe…Ironically in time (when i was able to hide my sadness and pain well), i could talk to people and enjoy it, would believe in perfect love and friendship, and some place where i would have peace. But not any more, not for long time now…
My entire being is just rotting inside and out alive and every night i go to sleep hoping i won’t wake up…Behind me i already got 2 suicide attempts (which failed) and am afraid i can’t find one which would kill me 100% and which is available in place i am (cyanide can’t be found in whole region). So i stopped trying because i have a feeling it would cripple me and would make my life even worse.
I don’t write this for no other reason then this one. While searching web for some ways to end myself efficiently i read few stories of people who were depressed and who felt in a way something similar as i do.
Once i read a letter from an old woman from US. She was around 60 years old, and in her story i saw my life (our stories were similar in many details). Hers was to the last days really bad, but she believed in some purpose of it, of all that suffering and sadness. I don’t want to come to that but am afraid i will. I’m afraid, years will pass and nothing and no one will ever make my life worthy or nice. Wish i had some foundation in my life, some faith left but i got nothing as always.
And now i want to erase this cause its pointless as all things are. I decided to try find ******** and hopefully successfully die. Irony is that i’ll consider that my biggest achievement in life, to die…