I know I am the problem

I fear my story is pathetic rather than interesting. I have suffered from depression my whole life, even as a child, although when I was a child I did not understand that it was depression. I cried frequently and uncontrollably, and I tried ever so hard not to cry because everyone made fun of me, including my parents and teachers.

I made it through college with high marks, although teachers and classmates were baffled that I cried so much. I had some additional very evident problems, such as a total lack of ability to be assertive about anything or ask for anything. I was also unable to read articles or books of any length, although I could get through something if given enough time to break it down into teeny digestible bits. I have a severe attention span problem. By the time I get to the end of a sentence, I can’t remember how the sentence started. I don’t track. I don’t know why. I also can’t manage to accomplish anything unless it is in a structured environment.

The downside to completing college is that when I go for help now, everyone thinks I must be functional, and I feel like they don’t take me seriously when I try to describe my difficulties. They say I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel sorry about myself; I don’t know if that is the same thing. Presently, I have no money for help, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

I have not had a career; I have had bits and pieces of mostly short-term contract jobs. I am going through hell as I remember the opportunities I have been given but for some reason couldn’t make work. I kept trying but I seemed to get worse every time.

I am terrified of everyone; I have a phobia of driving; some days I don’t have the courage to go outside; I continue to be surprised at the things I should be able to handle but can’t.

I am so tired. Of being me. I tried to be more successful, but I couldn’t find the missing pieces to make it work. And now I’m old and tired and nobody. And I will probably be homeless soon. And yes the problem is me. And I want to quit being me. [Insert punch line here.]