Yesterday was definitely the icing on it type of day. In a nutshell:
1. Still stuck in the world’s longest divorce.
2. Spouse had a baby with their new partner (I can’t have any more)
3. My new partner is an alcoholic and spent the day in a stupor
4. Had my previously good credit destroyed by ex’s credit card that has gone to collections
5. I was never joint on the card, yet it ended up on my record.
All of these above probably seem like nothing, yet these little hurts piled onto an already covered up person. The first, Le Divorce, came expected after I caught him texting a girl 15 years his junior in early 2013. I confronted him and felt relieved we were going to be ending a very difficult relationship. I had, for the previous three years, been commuting 8 hours roundtrip from another state due to a job transfer in my specialized field. He had told me to take the job: Great opportunities, wonderful city location, and my past job was ending. He had said he would move there soon. We elected for my two sons to stay with him until I was settled in the job and summer break happened (job started in Sept!) Also, the job entailed a lot of travel and without him there to help me and no family in the new city, it would have been hard So, I missed them and drove home each weekend and 9 months turned into 3 years. We never had a strong relationship to begin with-accidently pregnant while dating, wee lived without marriage for a couple of years until I was pressured into finally legalizing it. Huge mistake. A second baby came unplanned four year later. After he was born, I made sure I couldn’t have anymore with him. The man I fathered children with ended up being a porn/sex addict, emotionally abusive and dependent on his mother. She has harassed me from the start and, to top it off, we made the crappy decision to buy a house 1/8 of a mile from her house. She is a controlling woman and ended up somehow stealing my children (cared for them while I worked my ass off to keep up our lifestyle I never wanted in the first place).
Back to now…so last summer (2013) I confronted him when I saw the texts belonged to a young girl. He admitted they were in a relationship and he wanted a divorce. I also wanted out, so this was actually good. I had enrolled our children in the schools where I was planning to live. He was agreeable. I paid a retainer for an attorney and told him to file. This is where my downward spiral sped out of control.
The attorney told me to wait until August due to the school situation. Said I would have more leverage. So I listen, never having been in this situation. A few weeks in I realized my ex was about to file on me, so I called him and told him to file. He charged me to do the paperwork, but never followed through. A couple of weeks later I was petitioned on in a mean and aggressive manner. Provisional orders prevented me from moving my children and having access to the marital home. My lawyer did not help me at all! I am crying thinking about those days.
I could write a book. Anyway, I had my parenting time temporarily reduced to “non-custodial” and we have been fighting ever since. This was partly because his mother and wealthy brother interfered and dictate to the lawyer how to hurt me. I have had my savings wiped out, maxed out my credit cards and am still thousands of dollars in debt to my lawyer. I can hardly say all the mean things that have been done (not enough time or space), but examples are harassment during my parenting time, having the police called on me, alienating my children (like saying I don’t want them, etc), contempt charges and court time spent defending the vaguely written temp settlement and my custody time…on and on. It’s been so tiring and I have spent many nights like tonight thinking about suicide.
I am not a bad person. I am charitable, I help my community, love animals and the underdogs, I am a “giver” in so many senses. And I am ambitious: multiple degrees, specialized career, hard worker. I tried hard to be a good parent. I don’t understand why I seem to get injustice over and over in my life. through this ordeal, I have had to really think about my stance on karma.
Anyway, as mentioned, we fought settlement after settlement. My lawyer kept asking me to give and give and he got everything according to him: the kids, the house, the cars, furniture, everything. Finally, after the fifth settlement had been rejected (he wanted indefinite time to take my name off the marital house, yet he has not made one payment since the court appointed it to him). I said no, fired my worthless attorney and begged & borrowed to pay for a new one.
Fast forward, ex has child girlfriend pregnant, he gives my things still at the house away, harasses me when I finally get major summer time with my boys to a point it makes summer hard to bear. I have someone I am dating too at this point and he is a supportive and kind soul, only he, like me, suffers from depression and abuses alcohol. I can’t deal with it. Ex’s attorney, a real bully, files 6 contempt charges against me for summer weekends (despite the settlement giving me 7 weeks). I go shaking to court (never been in trouble in my life) and have to defend myself. I don’t get the charges, but the judge orders us both to take a parenting class which has to be taken in the county this shit was filed in: 8 hours roundtrip in the middle of the week for six consecutive weeks! I’m sunk.
I could go on and on about the unfairness and injustice of family court. It’s pretty much killed my spirit, emotionally bankrupted me and drained whatever money I had worked for during all those weeks away from my boys. In the end, everything can be taken from you if you don’t have the money to hire decent lawyers.
Despite the hardship of attorney and court fees, I have managed to keep my debts paid. I own a house outright and keep my debts fairly low (except for all the attorney bills I have had to charge-I am somewhere in the $12,000 paid to lawyers at this point). The ex, on the other hand, quit paying his debts. We kept almost everything separate in the marriage (all, but the marital house). This week I started receiving notices my own credit cards were being canceled or the lmits decrease due to a derogatory collections account. I pull my credit records and found one of his has been placed on mine as “joint”. I never signed or allowed myself to be a joint on his accounts. Now I could probably fight it, but this is where I get to this project here. I am exhausted. I am depleted of any drive to fight. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and overrode. I am thinking this cruelty is never going to end.
And, today, ex’s little girlfriend popped out her new baby boy! Pictures all over facebook of the happy family. It’s just felt awful knowing I can’t get my boys away from their madness. I am a non-custodial parent despite having been the primary one even when I was driving back and forth. I am having my life dismantled (I forgot to mention I could get fired for bad credit). I feel like I can never win. I only have despair and despondency to look forward to. I can’t sleep anymore, I spend nights crying and worrying. My kids come to my house every other weekend, but I feel like they don’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t blame them.
I am to the point that ending this nightmare can only be done this way. I was going to therapy when the legal abuse started, but she said she would have to report me if I said anything about suicide. Sadly, this is why I wanted the help. So, I would cry and talk about how hard it was and she would give me some quote by Buddha or Oprah to contemplate. Eventually, due to all the legal bills, I couldn’t afford her hourly rate too. I had to let it go.
I crawl into bed alone (now that I broke it off with the alcoholic) and feel ugly and old and worthless. What’s the point of all of this if it only going to go on and on and hurt to a point you feel yourself becoming numb. I see no reason to keep fighting other people’s wars. Even if I fix some of this, it will just come back at me in some other way or form. I can’t win. I just want to go now. Sorry for this long rant. All these words and I still feel like I left out the pain.
7 comments
You sound like a good person. But unfortunately good things don’t always happen to good people.
This post won’t be much help to you, but I know now (at 42 yrs old) that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. I’m not planning for a long drawn out life. I had my chance with an amazing girl, and I blew it. Nothing else can replace her and I don’t want it to.
The one thing you have, even if they’re remote from you, is your boys. They ‘re your creation and your responsibility. However shitty your situation is…and it does sound it, you owe it to them to be around.
As odd and inappropriate as it sounds,I would love to meet someone like you, You have a heart and a hurting soul, and you sound like you deserve it to be fixed.
I hope things work out, but please try and soldier on for their sake
You were actually very helpful. I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It’s a horrible pain. I have not read your stories here, but I imagine you also have a soul/heart and never deserved to be broken!
Someone below mentioned the bit about an empty bed doesn’t have to be a cold bed and I think that is true. I don’t think relationships should be entered into just because one is alone as I did with my ex (which you obviously are not doing also and I can appreciate that you are wise and kind enough not to subject someone else to). Commend yourself for dealing with the broken relationship before causing anymore issues to yourself or others. I know it is hard to think about anything ever changing, especially as 40’s approach or commence (I am right there near you in age) or while in a “darkness” mode, but life does seem to have these (insert “bad” word) twists and turns. It’s hard to remember that when we are stuck in the darkness.
Thank you for helping me even though you have your own hurting soul in your hands. I also would love to meet someone so empathetic and altruistic as you.
You have been strong to make it this far!
Your EX is trash, his side of his family is trash. You have gotten screwed by them and a bunch of other assholes. Maybe one day your children will grow up to realize this fact.
I will say this first: I don’t understand the whole living for family thing.
That said, my advice is to start living for yourself again, if your children won’t recognize your suffering then they just may inadvertently add to it.
Start saving up for a bit then go on holiday to some country that seems interesting to you. Try to blot out your current troubles by isolating them from your existence, take them as just one more failed venture.
Maybe move to a new house/apartment (new job too?) while renting out your current one to pay for it. A change of scenery in your life sounds like a must!
You are smart and educated, you don’t need this bullshit in your life anymore.
As I said earlier, ISOLATE the bad elements from your existence. You said you saw Facebook pics of trash and said trashes hoe, you shouldn’t expose your self to them anymore (block/remove them). You are above them, they will only seek to bring you down, only you can bring happiness to your life.
An empty bed doesn’t have to be a cold one.
I hope you manage to break free from this.
Lsari: You are wise! Thank you for giving me such a clear and uncluttered plan to move forward from at this point. I keep thinking I should be able to develop this for myself (as I have done countless times), but I felt so stuck and tired when I posted here. I saw I had yet another fight on my hands and I just felt like sitting down and saying “f-it”. You gave me something to consider and a direct way to make a change even from this dark place I sit.
Just wanted to let you know I’ve read your post, there’s nothing else I can really say, you’ve been through hell with this, he wrecked your life and yet he wins and you lose and of course that’s not fair. I know I could say, keep fighting, don’t let this beat you etc, but you probably don’t want to hear that and I don’t blame you. It’s all overwhelming for you and I reckon you were once strong but this has left you weak. Again, I don’t know what to say, just keep posting and talking here on SP if you find it helps, you have to release the pain inside somehow.
Thank you, Nias. Sometimes just having someone understand how overwhelming you feel helps tremendously. This crap had gone on so long that my family and friends are tired of me. Tired of each new drama that occurs. I have stopped talking beyond the weather with most of them. I appreciate that you took the time out of your own life to give me a kind reply.
I just want to give you all very sincere gratitude. I was very, very low when I posted. The amazing thing is I have found the kindest, wisest, most hopeful words from folks on a site called “suicide project”. There is something to be said from those who know darkness and/or despair. I mean to say, some of you may be struggling with your own demons (internally or externally-often doesn’t matter)but chose to take the time to give me bits of wisdom to grasp onto despite it. The gesture is truly self-less and, I know, you are the kind of people I want the planet and our dysfunctional society to honor and allow to lead. I could quote from each of the above comments the parts that I am using as a general mantra to help stave off panic and not allow myself to fall at the moment, but I would rather others reading this just read them and consider them for their own state. Again, I thank you and hope to give you a hand here sometime as well.