I’m 24. I’m an avoidant personality. I used to have a vague hope that things might get better some day, yet struggled not knowing exactly who or what I was.I had no idea how, but I thought I could work on myself. I could change. I could become the kind of person able to truly and intimately love and be loved. It wasn’t until a friend, a girl, who, in retrospect, I’d idealized and on whom I’d had an unhealthy fixation, gave me the avoidant diagnosis as her own that my lot in life became clear. More accurately, it took a year for me to realize what she was trying to tell me. It was her prerogative that we stop communication, but she wanted to leave me with the truth. For the last year, I believed she her. I took her at her word. I mourned this tragic news and ultimately the loss of a friend I realized I never really knew. Now, though, I understand. I know what I am. For life, no reset button; for me, no cure; and my options, a life of suffering or self-resolution. I live in regret for my choices, my behavior and my inability to change. I wish I could explain to the the people in my life why I need to do this, but I don’t have the words. I just have a lifetime of suffering. In the end I hope they understand that at least.
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I understand that there is a lot more depth to your suffering than just rejection from a female. She was just a catalyst to bring the pain closer to the surface.
You are not defined by your achievements or goals in life. We don’t even have a real “definition”. Labels such as “Outcast”, “Failure”, “Dejected loser” and a plethora of other terms with which others and even our selves have used to label us are nothing more terms based on arbitrary socialistic comparisons.
Only you can decide how you are “defined”. I am a misanthropic nihilist, who admonishes anyone that hasn’t had to undergo this lifelong suffering of suicide and depression. My case being chronic since age 7.
I value those who are like me, those who have experienced life from a similar point of existence.
It seems you have rasped at this kind of existence. What ever manner of lifestyle you pursue, whether it be to continuously wallow in despair or work to forge a bright future, I will always understand the suffering you have gone through and NEVER think lowly of you.
Your existence is enough for me to admire you, after all, you managed to live 2 years longer than myself.
I just get really vexed when I find people suffering at the hands of other people and then using that as a justification for a worthless existence. Only you can give yourself purpose, only you can give yourself value and only you can make yourself happy.
The obvious contradiction being that I continually devalue myself and can never see anything beyond the darkness of my own despair.