There Were Galaxies in Your Eyes

Talking about the good moments of my childhood forces me to be both nostalgic and incredibly sad at the same time. I wish things were that simple because even though I didn’t have a particularly easy childhood, a child’s problems are so much less complex. Today I decided to text a friend that I haven’t spoken to in a while. We met through a therapy group and somehow we clicked, even though neither of us are the most vocal of people. But I feel like we understood the pain in each other’s eyes, in a way no one else could. We never told each other to “keep hanging on” or that it “gets better” because we knew these words were for people that didn’t have a chronic pain.  She has attempted suicide more times than I can count. And despite all that I didn’t contact her for weeks…..I am a horrible person. I’m so fucked. You can’t comprehend the vast amount of fucked that I encompass. But I finally texted her because I needed someone to talk to. HA. What a piece of shit I am. The last time I contacted her about a month ago, I tried to hint to her that I was going to jump into the abyss and she asked me if I needed to go the hospital. She had just got out of the hospital from attempted suicide. I thought she understood me…I thought she would know that that’s the last thing on this goddamm world that I needed. It’s not her fault..she was doing what any normal person would do. So I distanced myself. Haha….what a fucking piece of shit I am….I’m so fucking done. I’m only hurting people more by isolating. But I can’t stop myself from finishing this. What if she is dead? And I was too selfish to contact her…..what if she’s dead….

So what if I’m dead.