You know, I’m still in denial. I mean, during the day, with people around to distract me, it’s not a problem. But at night, all alone, just thinking to myself, I wonder: Do you still love me? Is this all some elaborate plot? Do you even miss me?
The worst is when you are there, but you ignore me. Like a blight on your personal history; you don’t want anyone to know. And having mutual friends is even worse, because when you’re there, I can’t speak. I keep my silence, in fear that you will yell.
Everybody knows your violent nature; how you can’t keep anger in, and turn to argumentation sometimes because you just don’t know how else to communicate. The one time you yelled at me, you were instantly regretful– our one and only “fight,” resolved in five minutes.
But now that I’m outside, other, not connected… am I just another person to be frustrated with? If I try to even say something to you, will you try to hurt me? Break me? Worse?
I still want to talk to you, though.
Shivering at the thought of your wrath,
Quiver
1 comment
The power violent people have over those that both fear and love them is complicated. I’ve been far too close to someone that was beaten. Reading your post makes my heart ache. Waiting for them to have a change of heart and love you how you deserve to be loved and cherished is never the solution. You can’t fix them. And even if they experience some epiphany – turn their life around and promise to love you forever – it won’t heal the wounds.
I can’t offer some miracle. But I can tell you that the healing starts with you. Please find someone you can trust and that will listen – someone that won’t turn away at the first sign of your pain. Someone that can help you stop giving someone else too much power over you; someone that can help you take your identity back. Someone that can help you believe you deserve love and respect.
I wish I could speak more softly and compassionate about this but the one person I loved more than anyone on the planet took her abuse to her grave. You are worthy of the love you deserve, and you don’t have to earn it by tolerating anger and abuse. Writing about your emotions will help. But you need to find the right person’s arms around you to protect you. That person id out there – you will find them if you can start to take your life back.
– peace