When you just want to hurt yourself for a change.

Have you ever just been tired? I mean exhausted, used up, nothing left…    I feel this way constantly.

My life isn’t the worse, I’ve had ups and downs, like everyone. I’ve had those who have wanted to hurt me and those who have wanted to help. I’ve had family defend and offend me. I’ve had opportunity knock and doors close. But it’s not so much the ups and downs of it all. I mean, I know things happen all the time. Good things, bad things, nothing, something… these are just events. However as humans, I believe we tie ourselves to these life events. We allow them to change and mole our psyches. At least I now know I have.

From a young age I was abused and molested. I sought counseling for it when I was older (18). I talked to people about it, priests, psychologists, counselors, family, friends, groups, anyone who would listen. I reasoned, I was logical, I even developed empathy for my molesters and those who aided and abetted them. I thought I could work through it. I thought if I confronted it, it would go away. I thought if I could be stronger for one more day it would get better. I lied to myself.

But whats worse is, I believed it. I breathed it, I lived it, I preached it, I was saved! I was free and empowered and I was ready to make a change. I decided to not let them hurt me, any of them, all of them. They could not and would not phase me. So far I have lived my life based on this simple creed: No one will ever hurt me again. The truth is, now almost 10 years later I am hurting because of them more now than ever. I have learned that for all my hard work I had missed something, I had labeled something incorrectly in my mind. What I thought was my strength turned out to be a terrifying weakness.

You see, the only thing I have learned from my life, is that I wasn’t stopping others from not hurting me, I was and am hurting myself. What’s worse is that I found comfort in this. It is now COMFORTING to hurt myself. I inflict emotional, physical, and mental pain on myself because it makes me feel EMPOWERED to have a choice this time. I put myself into extremely dangerous situations that ultimately hurt me more than just in the moment. Why? Why does it feel soooo good to do this. Why does it feel right to hurt myself for a change?