I was happy once. Along time ago before my first love I didn’t feel this pain I feel now. However I wasn’t normal but then I met my first love I changed after that. She left me truely broken there was another guy… three actually I never slept with her but she had been screwing at least 1 of them.
I then for the first time thought of killing myself and I was very unhappy for along time. I felt hopeless but time numbed the pain… but the pain of having such happyness then to not was the worst part. Then before my second love came I cut myself for the first time a few times across my arm but then I met her.
She was very differnt from the first I could go on and on about her but it would make me feel worse. Anyway unlike the first we both were truely in love but then I did something very very bad but before that I had a crush for many years with someone else. Then me and my second love had our first fight at the same time my crush was acknowledging me and flirting with and skipping class with me…
Then on Dec 16th my second loves birthday I was skipping class with my crush on the last halfday of school… i kissed her. I was so worried and confused I asked my friends what I should do they had bad advise anyway i got home and changed my fb status to single my love called and text off the hook. After some time i managed to tell her what i had done I then went to bed and awoke to my crush texting me all this stuff about her being a whore and not good enough for me.
I then thought alone to myself for a few hours maybe it was shock but then i felt an overwelming saddness. I had realized how stupid what i done was so i called my love and texted her none stop we talked for weeks but i was making no progress. I spoke to her mom her aunt i did everything i could then i got drunk with friends for a few days straight. Then to make matters worse she went on a trip i was supposed to go on with her and her ex was with her.
The night before xmas i told her i’d kill myself if she wouldn’t give me another chance. I then cut myself alot across the arm with rusty siccors. Anyway i keep trying and trying then i was back in school. I was about to leave my first day but i was called to the office i met with a pychitrist lady we talked for awhile then two officers came and i was took to a ward.
If i hadn’t got sent there i may have been able to get her back but that didn’t happen. I was unhappy and alone without friends for a very long time but finally I got my first job years after hs. It was ok there i was about to maybe start my life then i met a girl i was inerested in and started to really like her but in the end like before it ends bad for me she quit and left the area then i quit. But this time it was bad i was reminded of all my pain and my parents were really mad at me for quitting on top of that i had a fallout with my fake friends and have never spoke with them since.
It was then my third time trying to kill myself but this time i cut up my arm its a bit of a blur but my mom didn’t wanna get me sent off so she bandaged me up. I have done nothing since then that was a year ago all i want is to die. I have no job not going to school no friends phone or car and all i want is to have a special someone to love and love me… but i’m a useless pathedic nobody meanwhile everyone i’ve ever known has somebody and a life friends and happyness.
I don’t know what to do anymore since the 16th i’ve also stopped caring for my body which makes me think even if i had the will to try one more time it would be a waste of time and i don’t want to hurt anymore the only reason i’m still here is because i’m afraid about the afterlife and my family would rather me be alive and misreable than dead and at peace… so yea thats me :/
ps sorry im bad at english
4 comments
First you need to stop letting you life revolve around other people you need to start loving your self or no one will I had to learn that the hard way too somewhere out there is someone for you but you need to try for you not for enyone else
Sounds like you’re a hardcore love addict!
I’ve only really loved the second girl but I will admit when I meet a girl I like I become vexed by that person I’ve only met 5 girls I’ve took an intrest in my whole life so love addict is a bit extreme I know killing myself because i’m sad and lonely sounds extreme but its the only thing i want to live for everything else seems like a pointless distraction from realizing I’m unhappy and lonely and a worthless burden
I wouldn’t say my life revoles around others I wouldn’t say I love myself either. But why go on when I have no ambition or skills other than wanting to be with and care for someone else. And if my hope falls again I won’t cut myself I’ll jump off a building I’ve actually been thinking of doing it for awhile. :/