I’m crying for probably the 15th time this month. That’s just an estimate because I haven’t really counted or kept track but I know I’ve cried a lot. Why am I crying? Why do I feel this way? I feel so alone and insignificant. I have plenty of wonderful friends and I have a great relationship with my family so why do I feel so alone…?
I’ve often thought about disappearing. Not running away. Just ceasing to exist. Does that make me suicidal? I hope not because I would never and could never do that to myself. I don’t like inflicting pain upon myself. More than once I’ve thought to myself, “Would anyone really miss me if I just disappeared?” Would it cause them pain every night? Would they cry? Would they think about all the times they should have told me how they felt? Or would they just go back to their normal lives as if nothing happened? As if someone who loves them so dearly didn’t just stop loving them because they no longer exist?
I honestly don’t know the answers to those questions because I don’t feel particularly important in any of my friends, or families lives. One specific example of this is my best friend. I say it like that because I no longer feel like her best friend. She’ll text me how much she misses me and how much she wants to see me again but when we hang out she she finds ways to be distracted and doesn’t act as if she really missed me. When we make plans she’ll invite some of her other friends and just completely ignore me. That’s not the only thing she does. She’ll take pictures with all of these other friends and her new boy friend and post them all over but when we’re together, nada. I feel like I’m being replaced and I’m no longer her best friend. I mean if she missed me that much SHE WOULDN’T IGNORE ME WHEN WE HANG OUT WOULD SHE? no…
At this point you’re probably thinking, wow, you’re clingy and obsessive. But that’s not the case. That’s not the case. I just feel like I’m losing my closest friend. The friend that has been there for me through thick and thin. When I moved schools and lost all of my old friends, when I moved states, a total of 9 different moves! I started college last year and left all of my high school friends behind. I talk to them sometimes but not often so at times it’s almost as if they’re fiction. I’m not a very outgoing person. I’ll be honest with you I haven’t made any friends in college so my best friend seems to be the only friend I have at times. She’s a 40 minute drive so if I needed her I could see her but that’s another thing.
I’m that friend who listens to all of your problems, who tries to help you get your life sorted out, who is always there for you. But I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. Whenever I try talking to my best friend like she talks to me, before I’m even done explaining or saying what I want to, she finds a different problem of hers that she needs to talk about and being the person I am, I stop to listen to what she has to say. I feel like I’m losing my best friend and I can’t tell her how I feel because then she’ll think I’m jealous and I’m afraid she’ll chose them over me.
This entry so far is mostly about this problem because it happened recently and I had to get it off my back somewhere.
Sometimes when I’m driving, images of an awful car wreck will come to mind and while I would /never/ do it (you have to understand, I could never do it to myself and cause pain to me or my family) I often think how easy it would be to turn the wheel and go careening off a cliff or into the barrier.
When I fly, I like to sit by the window and the last time I flew home from college to see my parents and siblings, a terrible image came to mind. The engine was making noises, like any normal engine would but I started thinking, what if it exploded and we went spiraling to the ground? I don’t want to die. That’s not what this is about. At least I don’t think it is.
Another thing that’s probably irrational is that I constantly feel as if I’m bothering other people. My uncle is a chiropractor and a few weeks ago I messed my back up but I wouldn’t call him because I didn’t want to inconvenience him. My mom knew how much pain I was in, as I had just been on the phone with her talking about some other irrelevant thing. She told my dad and then he called his brother. They then told me that he was on his way over. I felt mortified because he had to go out of his way to help me. After he adjusted me, he told me that any time I needed help, I could call him. It was irrational for me to think that I was putting him out but I couldn’t help myself from thinking it.
I don’t think I’m suicidal. I just think it would cause me less emotional damage and I could stop bothering others if I just ceased to exist. If I just disappeared.
3 comments
I completely understand the best friend issue, my former best friend was in my life for four years and stayed with me through moves, life issues, ect. I admired her so much, but last year, she started getting sick of me and we parted ways. At first I was upset, but it happens, and she was negatively impacting my life by the end of our friendship. My best friend now, I have been close with for now almost 5 years, but she does the same thing. If I tell her about family issues or any of the sort, she shrugs it off and says “sorry, maybe you can come live with me” or something along those lines, when really I just need someone to hear me out. She’ll listen to me for a little while and then get disinterested, but when she’s having problems with parents or her boyfriend, I have to hear about it for hours on end. I’m just like you where I do whatever I can to help those I care about, and so being that person, I listen and talk to her for hours on end, but I feel like she would never return the favor. Don’t be afraid o reach out to people, a lot of the people that care about you don’t see you as an inconvenience and I wish you didn’t see yourself as that way. You seem like anything but that, and you obviously care for others deeply.
You may or may not know this but you have all the symptoms of depression. Even if you have a good relationship with your family and your friends, you can still feel all alone. I’m certain someone would miss you if you’re gone.
Friends often drift apart and end up not seeing eye to eye. I understand that hurts. This has happened to me many times. In my opinion you should confront her about your feelings. If she decides to turn your back on you, I’d say she is not the friend you need at this moment.
When you’re pain, whether it be physical or mental, you should reach out for help. The people who care about you will help you, don’t doubt that.
Many who are suicidal don’t really want to die, they just want to escape the pain they are suffering with in life. It will take some time and it may not be easy, but there are more options than death.
You’re not alone. 🙂
Hi apolkadottedowl,
It’s very rare for me to ever start talking to someone first, especially on this site so please bare with me. I’m not very good at talking or making someone feel better but I will try my best..
I’m very sorry to hear about what your going through right now. It is very hard to feel like your not important to anyone. Especially when you don’t have anyone to talk to about these feelings.
I’m also sorry about you and your friend. I really hope the situation fixes itself so you two can stay close and you can feel better. No one should ever feel like this. Especially someone as sweet and considerate as you!
But if you feel she isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated when she invites you over to places then (me personally) I would drop her as a friend. People change, sometimes it’s good, other times it’s bad. And if they change in a way you feel is unacceptable, you have the right to not be friends with that person.
But in this case with your friend first try to figure out the problem, tell her how you’ve been feeling when she treats you like that and if she doesn’t care to fix it or understand the situation then leave her. She wouldn’t even be worth it.
Friends are caring and understanding, they help each other through thick and thin no matter what the problem is (as you stated above), a friend includes you when you feel not included, friends are people who laugh with you about the stupidest things, friends are people you can trust, and most of all friends are always there for you. This is me and my other friends definition of being a friend. It’s sappy yes, but it’s qualities that we look for in friends. Qualities of a great person. Just something for you to think about when you make a new one. You don’t have to follow this advice though. Your life, your decisions.
You not obsessive, not in the least. I’ve felt this way before so many times. You not alone on this.
I’m not outgoing either. I’m the shy quiet type who blends into the background. Until I get to comfortable, then my true colors shine.
Like you, I also like helping people. It really caught my eye when you said “I’m that friend who listens to all of your problems, who tries to help you get your life sorted out, who is always there for you”. This something I try to do for other people because I know that feeling of loneliness and helplessness. Helping other people makes me feel good inside even though I sometimes don’t get help in return.
You, my friend are doing a very kind and generous act of helping others, and I applaud you for that.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but I could never get myself to actually do it. I’m afraid of death, I’m afraid of how it will feel, and at the age of 18 I don’t want to feel it anytime soon.
I want to help as many people as I can before that time comes anyways.
I hope your life starts to look up to you. You very much deserve it for the way you are helping others with the same problem.
Remember you are never alone and there will always be people who love, care and support you. I hope this helped. Good luck with everything my friend<3