As I lay awake at 4 am, I keep thinking and I hate it. My brain rushes with unwanted thoughts. It keeps bringing up everything I’ve ever done wrong in my life. It sometimes gets so bad I just start hitting myself on the head. Sometimes in my head I have this guy I call him Ryan, I imagine him to be a perfect guy. He tells me how ugly I am and that I’m nothing. I also think that I’m on this reality tv show and my made up in my head parents are looking at me watching my every move. Making sure I’m okay and missing me. When I was like 17 if I got anything new I would get excited about showing it to fake people in my room.I have no idea why my brain does this. Sometimes I do stupid things because I know they are watching or I want to keep it interesting. Or so these imaginary people will feel sorry for me. I think that im in a spell with no memory of them. I use to get freaked out of taking a shower or getting undressed because I felt they where looking at me and judging me about my body. I always think that someone is watching me and certain stuff I just can’t do. Like I can’t dance or do something dumb in my room by myself because they will judge me and laugh at me. I just need help, I probably sound really crazy. It’s also really weird how all of a sudden I have ADD now and that I get scared so easily. I have get really bad anxiety about sleeping Over other peoples house. No matter how long I’ve known them for or if they are my family. I just can’t do it I feel like I’m going to die and I start going crazy. When I was younger I had a lot of guy friends but now I’m terrified of guys. Every single guy I freak out and become really quite. I’ve lost every single one of my friends, because of being so crazy. I did a lot of weird, crazy, and terrible things. I just wanted attention. I always want people to feel sorry for me and to talk about me how worried they are. I sometimes think when my best friend dies everyone will feel really sorry for me. I don’t tell anyone this. No one knows about what’s really going on. I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m a crazy person. I don’t want to be that person.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
If it makes you feel any less crazy I also think I am on some sort of reality tv show and sometimes I will look into a fake camera and make a silly face after I say something stupid in my head because they know what I am thinking.
I hear ya. I also hit myself once in a while. It’s like the movie Fight Club where Edward Norton makes up the character Tyler Durden, but he thinks Tyler is totally real. They fight, but it’s really Edward Norton just fighting himself.
Can you find help? Can you talk with someone about this? Someone who’s certified to help people.
I can say this and you maybe will believe me and it won’t stop the crazy thoughts, but YOU’RE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. There’s help out there ya just have to find it. Suicide hotlines are a good start. It’s anonymous, no one judges you and you can vent to a complete stranger on the phone.
I think it is a really good step that you wrote that post. You can see that other people think pretty weird things too. I sometimes punch myself in the stomach because I just get like ”Eughhhhh, I hate myself!”. I have an imaginary friend who is a character in a series I like. She sleeps next to me, cycles to work with me, stays next to me at work and just says nice, funny and reassuring things to keep me going. So, she is basically my best friend because I don’t have any real friends. I don’t think it’s any different to my religious phases when Jesus or this or that guru or Green Tara or whoever was basically an imaginary friend. If you tell a therapist how you feel they will have heard the same thing before from others so don’t be afraid of that.
I think too much, my brain never let me rest and usually all my self-loathing thoughts are ridiculous and sometimes I can’t sleep because of that, so I guess I understand a bit of what you go through. I had an imaginary friend (at 18 years old… I had no idea it was relatively common), and to this day I still talk to “fake” people in my head too, but I don’t really see them as imaginary friends — to me they’re basically ways I create to practice how I’d act in a real conversation, if that makes sense.